Blood Pressure Blog

It’s a fact that people named Joe are just cooler than everyone – Joe Montana, Joe Exotic, Joe Rogan, Joe Namath… I could list hundreds of Joes that are all on a higher level of cooler. While the phrase Average Joe has taken on a whole new meaning of being completely not-average at all, the prestigious fraternity of Joes has inducted another name into their hall of cool, notably Cincinnati Bengals quarterback Joe Burrow.

People have been calling Burrow’s new nickname, Joe Burrrr, as a testament to just how cool he really is. The 25-year-old, second year player likely started life as a Macaulay Culkin stunt double eventually reaching his evolved form of White Boy of the Year right alongside Tyler Herro and Jack Harlow. Though those guys aren’t in the Hall of Average Joes, know that the city of Cincinnati now finally has something to rally alongside ever since they killed our sweet prince Harambe – catapulting it into the national echelon of cities. Supposedly there’s a statue of wolves in Cincinnati that was gifted by Italian Dictator Benito Mussolini – this statue needs to be taken down and replaced with Joe Burrow and Harambe holding hands while lifting the Lombardi Trophy in the other – checkmate fascism.

If you ever went to elementary school in the Midwest, there’s a chance you’ve met a really pale kid that does a lot of weird things to get attention, like smash his head into a wall – yeah that was probably Joe Burrow (now he practically does that for a living). Fast forward to high school where Burrow took part in the Ice Bucket Challenge for ALS. Little did we know that the ice actually became cold after it hit his body. Unfortunately, from there, all Joes seem to hit a humbling rough patch, and it was not smooth sailing with his prospective football career, transferring out of Ohio State and making the unlikely start at LSU, somehow winning the National Championship, Heisman Trophy, and showing off textbook cigar smoking form you only see in a black-and-white Italian mafia movie. Burrow did the reverse-shithead dad move and went out for a pack of cigars to the gas station but actually came back – a champion.

Every cool guy transcends fashion. People that are only slightly cool want to fit in and look trendy. Rather, Joe Burrow is that trendsetter. His standard drip can be classified as Steve Jobs mixed with Atlanta rapper. You can’t find this level of drip at Gucci, Prada, LV, or stockX –  this is the exclusive fit, with the exclusive glasses and the exclusive chain. Unfortunately, like all Cincinnati icons, people attack other after displaying a certain vibe. Ron Dicker, writer at the Huffington Post and name that literally translates to energy vampire wrote an article about how Burrow’s comments the price of his chain costs is distasteful. Frankly this is just fodder to stir the pot and just an example of how stay in your lane culture is a pandemic to white boys everywhere. Honestly though, Dicker is probably just jealous.

Burrow and the Bengals will be facing off against the Rams in Los Angeles for Superbowl 56. LA has proven themselves to be a horrible football town, being a natural watering hole for the Yankees-Cowboys-Duke-Bama-Lakers fan and will likely show up in hordes So-Fi Stadium. It’s no surprise that all of America will be rooting for the Bengals, a great story of toughness, beating odds, and a little bit of luck. America freakin’ eats up an underdog story, while the #NFLRigged people are now punching air and about to give the NFL screenwriters an Oscar. It’s a true testament to a dude that’s literally making Steelers fans cheer for him that makes Joe Burrow is one in a million.