Blood Pressure Blog

Recent American history has had its fair share of madmen in places of political power. We’ve seen some rise through the bureaucratic ranks, while others fade forever into forgotten oblivion. However, over the past week, it seems there’s a greater need for us to have a moment of respite and forget about societal problems making headlines every day.

Former Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal seems to be the answer to all of our problems. Pronounced like Kindle with a J and son of Indian immigrants, Jindal was born and brought up in the US. Looking like a pamphlet model for the Scripps Spelling Bee during his childhood, Jindal eventually became a Rhodes scholar on his way to public office. In 1992, Jindal was named onto the USA Today All-Academic Team, and was accepted into Harvard Medical School. Reflecting on his past and extrapolating with this future, its pretty surprising Oxford University anointed him as a Rhodes Scholar, since everything coming out of his mouth could also be said by a 15-year old with a burner Twitter account. 

In 2016, Governor Jindal mounted what can only be categorized as a flaming scorched earth political campaign, providing absolute fire take quakes on his attempt to win the 2016 Republican Presidential Primary. Fast forward to 2020, Jindal has fallen out of political favor and works at an investment firm in Los Angeles. A person like this is perfect to play the greatest joke on America, and we will discuss how to bring this humor into the political scene. As Jindal is no longer in the public eye, nobody will suspect that he is the running a joke campaign designed to melt thousands of brain cells across the country with sheer dumbassery.

Jindal is a staunch believer that he is an expert in coastline ecology and geography, incredibly accurate Twitter sources have seen him as a Brown-Jesus like figure or the Indian David Attenborough in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. Honestly, I kinda take that with a pinch of salt when it comes to believing a city that probably thinks Tigers live in Louisiana. During his 2016 campaign, Jindal went on record to say highly incorrect statements such as “barrier islands would have stopped” Hurricane Katrina. He followed that up by making the rash decision of placing the entire state of Louisiana under a state-of-emergency due to the threat of sink holes. Knowing these facts, we can elaborate more on this misinformation combined with bad judgement to draw a connection to probably the second most misinformed source in Louisiana and provider of fire takes, Duck Dynasty. There is slight history between Jindal and Duck Dynasty – during his gubernatorial term he loved Duck Dynasty so much that he tried to ingratiate himself as the “fifth beatle” into swamp loving group. Therefore with this connection and the combined pursuit of pseudoscience with respect to the swampy gulf shores, Duck dynasty would become perfect campaign managers for Jindal and his crack-headed campaign, sure to bring laughs to every political news outlet in America.

Not only is Jindal a Rhodes Scholar, but he has reached a point in human intelligence where he is crafting his own reality and versions of history that I sure would love to be a part of. Jindal is known to go extremely off the cuff and has become sentient to the point of attempting to make his reality our own, passing an education bill allowing schools to teach that “dragons are real” and “man and dinosaur lived together”. Now I don’t know about you, but having Khaleesi Jindal, Breaker of Hurricanes, and Father of Gators, saying that my ancestors lived in the high-definition version of Jurassic World would be non-stop laugh out loud machine leaving every single Nielson Rating in its wake. 

Though Jindal may seem like a rampant lunatic, he maintains specific boundaries for religion, a key specifically for Republican political candidates. In 1994, Jindal conducted his own exorcism, due to his girlfriend at the time having Devilish visions and trance like symptoms. As a practicing Christian, he realized these were signs of the Devil, and forced his girlfriend to chant sections of the Bible, until finally breaking the spell and bringing his partner back like a crazed mega-church televangelist. A story like this would leave even the likes of Donald Trump gasping for air during a televised debate, and would grant Jindal a victory with religious-minded voters while simultaneously providing research material for The Onion.

When you are watching a pure comedy show, there must be instances of so-called “down time”, where the audience can collect themselves and process the humor that they have witnessed. My guy Bobby Jindal again fits the bill to the T for this prerequisite as well. Jindal is a master of setting up a story. In 2016, instead of going on a large cable television news network to announce his presidential candidacy and simultaneously watching Tucker Carlson get jerked-off, Jindal had a galaxy brain moment. He took to YouTube and his 500ish subscribers, posting creepy serial-killer-like security camera footage of a conversation between him and his wife and kids, announcing his candidacy to them. This footage was eventually caught by Fox News who nationally announced his campaign. However, not only does this show that Jindal has a firm grasp on setting up a story and trailblazing his own methods, he displays his strong family and sets himself apart from several other comedians and politicians under scrutiny for sexual assault. 

Bobby Jindal therefore is the prime example of a man who is good idea, bad implementation, classified by CNN as “devoid and disinterested with substantive ideas for running the country”. However, flipping his campaign to simply fuel true laughing-my-ass-off moments during a pandemic is something that is desperately needed and would be welcomed.