Blood Pressure Blog

I’ve been bamboozled. I have no words to describe the bottomless pit in my soul. My long personal nightmare has now arrived which means I’m stuck in a purgatory where Ezekiel Elliot lines up as center. Thus is the way of the Cowboys fan, and nothing will ever be different.

About 5 days ago, San Francisco Head Coach Kyle Shanahan strolled into his mid-week press conference. His signature gelled up hair only second to that of the entire English National Football Team, the salt-and-pepper beard aging just as well as Californian wine, Coach Shanahan lived rent free in my head days before the game even began. Little did I know he already won – my brain was put into a pretzel and I didn’t even know it. There’s a reason Coach Shanahan has a coaching tree, stemming from his great father. Imagine a certain coach on the other side of the ball having an extensive coaching tree consisting of dudes that piss down their legs in pressure situations.

I’ve always said that you can’t have a coach that’s both fat and dumb. On one side you’ve got a guy like Andy Reid, who might be fat, but is smart as shit. On the other you’ve got Nick Sirianni, who’s skinny but cornier than LeShannon at a Lakers game. Mike McCarthy looks like a canned extra from The Biggest Loser and clearly didn’t get the message from last year through his thick skull on how to beat literal Alpha Male/Top G Kyle Shanahan.

If there was one singular person who took the fattest L in the playoffs, it’s Dak Prescott. This game was a Dak Prescott legacy game and had countless opportunities to have Dak Prescott legacy drives. Instead, Black Kirk Cousins played the most conservative game of his 30-year-old life and made crucial back breaking mistakes only indicative of a child throwing a football in summer camp. Staring down receivers, taking sacks, bad clock management, Dak Prescott was trying his very best to lead a masterclass in fucking up in the playoffs.

So what do we do now… where do we go from here? As Cowboys fans, this ‘Hurts’, pun intended. We’ve already been knocked down as a fanbase, but if the Eagles somehow go and win the Superbowl, it would be the ultimate insult to injury. I’d be willing to say that even the Jacksonville Jaguars are a better franchise than the Cowboys. Literally one year after hiring disgraced head coach and serial woman groper Urban Meyer, the Jaguars are headed in the right direction with a strong roster and a brash head coach. Are the Cowboys destined to be the Jaguars of the NFC? Will Kellen Moore’s or Dan Quinn’s inevitable departure mean becoming a floating dumpster fire on the river of lackluster? Frankly don’t care because I’ve already moved on to basketball season. The NFL is the thing of yesterday.