Blood Pressure Blog

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Welcome to 2022-23 Week 6 Power Rankings. Once again, if you don’t like my power rankings, go make your own.

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1. Gay Christian (5-1)

We go down to Duuuuuuuvvvaaaaaall where Duuuuvvernayyy was dropping touchdown catches and letting the New York Football G-Men go 5-1 to jumping into the second seed of the NFC Beast (HUH??). In other news, it looks like blue lives matter, as Mark Andrews was Robbin Nikhil for points until the Coppers had to Chase him away from a win. Once again it looks like Arpan has caught lightning in a bottle, as yearly highway robbery will easily lead him to one of the top-4 seeds in the playoffs.

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2. Brady 4Ever (4-2)

Out to the desert where the Kyler to Tyler connection had Chinmay Kel-seeing stars all the way through Monday night. But it was not all fun and games, as one of the biggest comebacks of the week was modeled after Austin ‘Brooklyn’ DEkeler scoring nearly 20 points and cleaning up the Brown Poo-Poo from Marquise the day before. And, I would like to be the first to wish you all a happy spooky szn as the ghost of Michael ‘Jackson’ Thomas did absolutely nothing to help his team but still watched a Thrilling victory from the sidelines. Parth and Amit struggle win against the worst team in the league but still manage to ascend into the upper echelon of the standings.

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3. Najee Germany (4-2)

Down in Montgomery Alabama, home of the bible-belt meaning that God-wins. The Najees were going to need all the help of the Friars – Michael and Elijah that is – to take the south, sending false signals from the heavens to the Hills as Taysom couldn’t follow up his 30+ point performance with a 4 point dog-Walking. Nikhil is going to need peak playoff-Dameon to bring him back from one of the worst performances of the season, but fortunately, this bible-loving team will have the powers of Davante’s Inferno in Week 7.

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4. sKittles or Breece’s (4-2)

The best things in life are indeed free, because Manoaj has once again has pulled a rabbit out of his dick with Deon Jackson. Is there a team as deep as this, with Hopkins on the return Manoaj looks to bring the Hurts to his opponents, rain or shine, in the US or London. Marquez Exxon-Valdez Scantling has learnt that to play with Mahomes you need to shake and bake and Cook the competition, as his inevitable trade value craters. Manoaj should be able to follow up in week 7 as one of the strongest teams in the league looks to continue its reign of dominance.

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5. Ayush Football Team (4-2)

The Ayush Football Team literally had to turn a mound into a mole-Hill to win against a feisty rivalry matchup. But in the end, it was Joshua ‘Arnold’ Palmer that sealed the win by telling the opponent to Succ on these Devin Dingleberries. The Ayush Football team has willed his team to 4-2, being the shocker of the year with Johnathan Failure going out with injury and several more goose eggs on the bench. A sleeper in the playoffs, this team has the juice is needs to make a run, if healthy.  

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6. Amon a Roll (3-3)

We go up to the Meadowlands, where newly acquired Aaron Jones was catching passes from a guy that took no shots. Fortunately, there actually were shots to go around everywhere, as Brian Robinson came back to the field after getting shot, faster than Keenan Allen did from a hamstring strain. And, in a touching tribute to my late great friend Kyle Pitts, may he rest in peace and let God rest his HOLY SHIT WE HAVE A DEAD MAN WALKING! Vikas, with the hefty win over Keshav, was more than just Waddling to a week 6 victory. 

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7. Kiss my McManus (2-4)

Out to Denver where Jerry, no Garry, no Barry, no Terry, Jeudy was Parks and Recking Ayush until Monday night football. A truly Helairous performance from Joshua ‘Kelly’ Kapoor had the team thinking of moving to Dawson’s Creek. And who can forget Meghan Lamar-kle, who puts on a suit and goes to work every day for that brand new contract. Unfortunately, the dual owners need to right the ship, as they are now in the danger zone for falling into the consolation bracket.

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8. Score a TD Boston (3-3)

The competition wrote off Ramanan – he ain’t write back. Firmly in the tier of mediocre, Ramanan managed to autodraft a majority of his team and spit in the face of all the fantasy football pundits that plan drafts longer than Jeffery Dahmer plans how to Hunt and Chase down 10 people. A wise man once said that – ‘The best action is inaction’ – and Ramanan seems to subscribe to this philosophy by letting Noah control the pace of the game with Mike Boone. Big God-guy Russell Wilson seems to have provided Ramanan with powers of foresight, starting the perfect lineup for his team and making a stronger case for a mid-season run.  

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9. Playboi CarrTee feat. Uzi VErtz (3-3)

Out to the beaches of LA, where Dustin ‘Johnson’ Hopkins put his Johnson on the table and was hitting footballs like they were 50 yard chip shots. Meanwhile, Eno ‘Dos, Tres’ Benjamin scored a few more points than what his name suggests, and was enough to Digg a grave for Manoaj in the final game of the week. Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na it’s Bateman – but when the world needed him, he vanished. Matt puts the Ertz and Hurts 112-106.

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10. Pitt of DispHarris (2-4)

If there’s someone who religiously starts a late slate player on their team in the flex spot, it’s Noah. Seeing Cooper Kupp in the flex spot is shock-inducing enough to shake the hearts and minds of nations let alone pencil-pushing fantasy football players. Unfortunately, Noah’s plan to go from The Pitt to the Palace has taken a Kenny Pickett-like turn as in from The Pitt to the Pitt. This team only has 2 wins, is ravaged by injuries, has numerous weeks with players scoring zero points, and hardcore fumbled the bag when he refused to trade Jahan Dotson for Travis Etienne. Can a player have a lower scoring bench, find out next week when Miles Sanders goes on bye.  

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11. I Took the Wock to Courtland (1-5)

I Took the Wock to Courtland may have taken the Wock to Poland instead, unable to find the Wilson and scoring one of the most unbalanced outings of the week. As one of the worst teams in the league, this team has arguably some of the best raw football talent, but bad fantasy players. Clearly the team has committed to a ‘throw shit at a wall’ strategy, starting 3 Bengals players and continuing to score less than 100 points every week. However props for consistency.

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12. Sequester Grundleplith JD (1-5)

Keshav might need to consider going to law school for a JD, cause Vikas was striking McPher in the hearts of the players. And, like the world’s worst Viagra commercial, Nick was having a hard time getting Chubby, maybe he should take advantage of his Cousins instead. However, this team was going down on itself the entire day, as the bench was screaming LETS GO BRANDON as the Niners laid an absolute dud against the frisky Falcons. Is this one of the worst teams in the league – yeah probably.

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