1. Travis Scott (3-0)
Owner – Ayush Jha
Last Week – #3
We start Week 3 on the African continent, where Travis Scott Kelce and Mike Will Made it were making Brand-on beats so fire that they lit the Ruggs and the house on fire. La-Michael Jackson handled Man Campbell and the CeeDee-troit Lions, because if there’s something we know about Motor City, it’s that a Lamb is quicker than a Staf-Ford. Ultimately the best team in the league is averaging 131 points per game and beating middle of the pack teams very decisively. Will Ayush be able to keep the momentum going next week as the team hosts Arpan, or will Travis Scott be caught as Jacques “Chris Bermon” Webster II singing Jingle Kelce on his latest Christmas album.
Award – Top Score Award
2. 2 Girls 1 Kupp (3-0)
Owner – Satwik Nandala, Vivaan Patel
Last Week – #1
We go down to sunny Southern California, where swimmers are enjoying Kupping szn with Laker Mayfield. Austin Heckeler ran through the Hollywood DoubleTrey Hotel Robbing everyone in sight. This dual threat owner squad stands as one of the best rosters in the league, and rightfully so have some of the top running backs, quarterbacks, and wide receivers in the league. Nothing short of injuries will topple this team. 2 Girls 1 Kupp meets Carolina next week as a battle of undefeated teams.
3. This Justin: I Love Carolina (3-0)
Owner – Matt Lord
Last Week – #4
This Justin: If I was the coach of this team, I would explain the difference between family trees and route trees to the Seahawks DBs, because if there’s one thing we know historically about Jefferson, it’s that he had a strong relationship with Cousins. Matt’s team will never not be bad, this guy is a drafting machine. The waiver wire has really been kind – somehow he found one Moore guy named Moore – the Rondale variety – proceeded to get less than 2 points, and still made Parth suck his Khunt. Matt and his starting QB Justin ‘Ernie and Her-Bert’ will look to prove to 2 Girls 1 Kupp that Gay rights are better than Lesbian ones in week 4.
4. DoubleTrey Hotel (2-1)
Owner – Manoaj Kandiakounder
Last Week – #2
Manoaj gets Locketted out of his hotel room this week as 2 Girls 1 Kupp shoots X-Rated films at the DoubleTrey Hotel. Although not a horrible performance from the team, this isn’t the first time that a trash guy on the bench named Lance has blown into a King’s ear. As one of the only winning teams with more points against than points for, I expect Manoaj to flip his luck, but can he join the true upper echelon of teams in the league? Next week is a huge rivalry week game as continental breakfasts take on 24 hour breakfasts as the team plays Waddle House.
5. Score a TD Boston (2-1)
Owner – Nikhil Ramanan
Last Week – #7
Though the city of brotherly love may be the namesake of this team, it’s no secret that cities named Montgomery have always had issues with Carr theft. The age old question of ‘Is Derek Carr Elite?’ can be rephrased as ‘Is Ramanan Elite?’. This might be the first truly good team that Ramanan has put together AND he’s doing it Saquon Barkley. Calvin ‘Daisy’ Ridley was a standout this week and showed Arpan that it might take Mont-y Python and the Holy Grah-il to use all divine power to will this team in the win column. Next week will be a dog fight against Tompa Brady.
Award – Team of the Week
6. Gay Rights (2-1)
Owner – Arpan Bhavsar
Last Week – #5
Gay Rights really turned into a white Tee-shirt contest gone wrong, when half of this team’s bench scored one point or fewer this week. Tyler, The Creator, Boyd was caught up in the Earfquake of the opposing team, when – tell me if you’ve heard this before, the city of San Francisco felt aftershocks from the attack of the Lazard King. Russell, Mr. Unliiiiiiimited gave a totally liiiiiiiiiimited performance and continuing the claim that Kirk Cousins might win MVP has his Future baby. Next week is a true test against one of the best teams in the league as Ayush tries to make Arpan go Dicko Mode.
7. Brady 4Ever (0-3)
Owner – Parth Patel, Amit Dommeti
Last Week – #6
I’ve been really high on this team from the start of the season. Yet a truly gauntlet schedule has stopped any momentum this team never really had. As a squad with one of the highest points against, and a reasonably high points for, the turnover luck for this team just has to change at some point. As good middle of the pack team, they will be looking to make a push as we approach the middle portion of the season. I’m afraid that whatever elixir of life that Tom Brady has found may be having some reverse Benjamin Button effects as this team as it gets more hurt and less deep. A homecoming for Brady next week as Parth and Amit travel to Boston and make Ramanan Digg his own grave.
8. Waddle House (1-2)
Owner – Nikhil Ramesh
Last Week – #10
There’s no other way to put it – this team took care of business this week. Josh Allen, insane, Cardinals D/ST awesome, Even McPherson, who the fuck that? As a team firmly in the second tier of the league, Ramesh will need everyone from Adams to Harris on the campaign trail to not have Mix ups while he pushes to be one of the best teams in the league. This team may not have the flashiest rosters, but it’s easy to be fooled, holding top 10 QB, TE, and D/ST. Ramesh also claimed his own award (way to make it about yourself dude) for the ‘Defense wins championships’ award that was literally named after him. Next week is a battle of equal wits as Noah will try to make Nikhil mcKISSic his bASS.
Award – Nikhil Ramesh D/ST of the Week
9. mcKISSic MY bASS (1-2)
Owner – Noah Rickles
Last Week – #11
I made a comment earlier last week that went out over the week 2 power rankings calling this team ‘Clickbait of the week’. I am deeply ashamed of this comment, and if I have hurt anyone out there, or Cooked some egos, I can’t tell you how much I say from the bottom of my heart I’m so very, very sorry. I pride myself and think of myself as a man of faith, as there’s a drive into deep left field by McKisstellanos and that’ll be a home run. And so that’ll make it a 4-0 ballgame. I don’t know if I’m going to be Pitting on this headset again. I don’t know if it’s going to be for the Browns. I don’t know if it’s going to be for my bosses at Fox.
10. Odellta Airlines (0-3)
Owner – Vikas Molleti
Last Week – #9
“This is your captain speaking, I got a Theilen that we’re going to make our third emergency landing, we’ll be crashing and burning over Africa”. Vikas’ slightly above average roster once again gets Chased around the globe while starting Daniel Fucking Jones over Matthew Stafford, earning the clickbait of the week award (that Tampa secondary is looking tasty). DeAndre Stopkins had like 4 points this week, so now we know that once anti-vaxxers get the vaccine, they’re going to Succ a great deal. #ILiveWhereYouVacation has turned into the vacation from hell. Vikas faces no easy task next week as Odellta Airlines and Matthew 1:2:3:4:5:6:7 must lead this team back from the underworld to the holy land against Noah.
Award – Clickbait of the Week
11. Foster the Peoples-Jones (1-2)
Owner – Chinmay Kulkarni
Last Week – #8
The Browns offensive line deserves some Viagra, because we know that keeping the Chubb healthy is the formula to success. Unfortunately, this can’t even be used as an excuse. This team has consistently scored less than 80 points in the past 2 weeks. Greatest hits from this team include, starting the Washington D/ST against Josh Allen, signing Ameer Abdullah and then expecting him to perform like he’s the next coming of Dalvin Cook, and finally just the act of having Cole ‘Kmet me bro’ rostered on a fantasy football team. Doing the same thing and expecting different outcomes is the sign of a madman, so the only option is to fire everyone, Burrow the past in the Woods, and throw things at a wall to see if they stick.
Award – Dumpster Fire of the Week/Deep Throat of the Week
12. Cook out (0-3)
Owner – Keshav Ravi
Last Week – #12
Another team that has yet to score more than 100 points is starting to look vaguely reminiscent of the Keshav led team that lost the playoffs from a few years ago. This guy is so desperate that he’s starting the Rrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaiders D/ST, and they went to OT against Jacoby Brissett who is pretty much just Walmart Tyrod Taylor. Each and every week has clearly indicated that it will take more than a short order Cook to run this dining establishment, when the drive through line is Miles long at 2am. The Hunted look to turn into the Hunters when Keshav checks into the DoubleTrey Hotel.
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