Cuffing Szn 2 – A Comedic Guide to Pick-up Lines

Cuffing Szn is like playing Pokemon, sometimes you just gotta catch ’em all.

We’ve once again hit the fall season. Apocalyptic doom of wo/men dressed in flannel, and hats twice the size of their head like Peyton Manning on a Monday Night Football Broadcast – arrive at apple picking patches across the country ready to deal damage to migrant worker’s rights everywhere. So too, we can start thinking about the impending doom to all young people everywhere, Cuffing Szn 2021.

Last year, I wrote about the Universal Hot-Crazy-Success Matrix. This mathematical model that I simulated in MATLAB accounts for the three variables of the Matrix’s namesake, and therefore calculates the success probability of a relationship, pretty similar to whether or not you should go for it on 4^th down – the answer is always yes. If you took the advice from last year, Cuffing Szn may be turned into Contract Extension Szn, in which I don’t need to tell you that signing a dotted line for a 100 year $100M contract can end you the dirt or flying the solar-system on preNuptune.

Cuffing Szn is built on meeting the most amount of people and curating best vibes for yourself and others. All sorts of relationships are #builtdifferent, but making a first impression is the best way to get your foot in the door. It’s pretty easy to have foot-in-mouth-in-door syndrome if you do this incorrectly, but I have outlined 5 schools of thoughts when it comes to delivering the best pick-up lines that are made for success.

Be Corny

Being corny is the backbone of the pickup line game. Once this skill is mastered, then all bets are of the table and you can graduate to benchwarmer-level Pick-up line game. Here are some examples –

*This is an absolute lay-up. It doesn’t take Lebron James to block the shit out of this and transport you to the shadow realm*

*Who knew that Sparknotes would come in handy 10 years later*

Have Zero Chill

I pick Mamba-mentality and will let Kevin Durant explain this one –

Chill is not allowed in the eat-or-be-eaten world of delivering pick up lines –

*Identifing nationalities shows that you are well traveled and an overall cultured person*

*Great example of how my beef with the English language led to the failure of a god-tier line*

Relate it to Current Events

Showing that you are well caught up on current events implies that one is educated, well read, and concluding that he/she will try to leave society a better place that how it was found –

*I was going to make a Coronavirus related joke, but you probably won’t get it…*

*After delivering that, Shell is going to need an all-porpoise cleaner*

Make such a Big Brain Joke that the Other Person doesn’t Understand

Playing 4-D chess while traversing multiverses is the true test of comedic genius. It’s incredibly difficult to find someone with a sense of humor –

Nobody fact check whether or not they actually charge for parking at the Battery

Make it Personal

If Michael Jordan can do it, then so can I. Making something personal and then the other person not taking it personally is the test. We’re clearly 5 steps ahead at all points in this game, and ring-chasing is the point to all of this 👀

Karma is still kinda a bitch though… what comes up must come down, and at the end of the day I have to face the man in the mirror and atone for my sins…

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