1. Gay Rights (1-0)
Owner – Arpan Bhavsar
Last Week – #10
We Start off Week 1 in Seattle, Amari Pooper hit up all the Gay bars and Tee was Huggings all the Boyds in the streets (love is love man). The law firm of sons of son and son and son delivered easy double-digit performances this week, propelling this team to an extremely White Hot start. A double-thirty point performance was the piece de resistance as this team brought down the hammer on Odellta Airlines and their stock price. Although the strong start to the season, is it too early to ask whether this team is peaking too early. Next week is a monumental matchup dubbed as the Championship of BLT rights.
Award – Top Score award
2. 2 Girls 1 Kupp (1-0)
Owner – Satwik Nandala, Vivaan Patel
Last Week – #6
We go out to the City of Brotherly Love, where the combination of 2 girls, 1 Kupp, and Boobs or Butker was enough to make any person Hard-man. Kenyan beat the brakes off that bASS, leading Noah and his team into the CessPool of the south to drink away his problems like Gronk on an average Tuesday. Finally, in a touching tribute to the Superbowl winning Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Mike Evans was the only odd man out while scoring sub-5 points that wants this team saying “Brady 4Never”. I still think this team is one of the best squads in the league. Week 2 holds the other dual-threat owned team in the league with the Brady stans.
Award – Team of the Week
3. DoubleTrey Hotel (1-0)
Owner – Manoaj Kandiakounder
Last Week – #8
An inspiring performance this week from Manoaj as he takes his opponent to the Hurts Locker. There were so many murders at Pitt’s Creek that Judge Jeudy had Amit and Parth court Marshalled. Meanwhile, Helairiously bad performances from Tractorcito and the running back core shows that the backfield needs some more time to get going. However, it was all fun and games in this matchup until TJ Watt and the Steelers D/ST turned up the electricity to shock his opponents into submission. This team wholeheartedly rounds out the podium in the early stages of the season, and should become a true to be a threat to the league once Tractorcito season starts.
Award – Nikhil Ramesh D/ST of the Week
4. This Justin: I Love Carolina (1-0)
Owner – Matt Lord
Last Week – #2
It was all peaches and sunshine, Olivia Rodrigo Blankenship convinced Ramanan that ice cream was Good 4 u as Justin Sherbert asked for Moore and Moore. It was all Déjà vu in week 1, as one of the best teams historically had a great weekend, coming out of the Chubbard and proving to the league that elite drafts year after year are truly possible. While Ramanan tried to prove that God Wins, Christians always seem to come out on top, scoring one of the highest point totals of running backs in week 1. Next week will be another marquee matchup, as Ramesh and Matt hope to go viral with a fist fight at Waddle House.
5. Chad Team (1-0)
Owner – Ayush Jha
Last Week – #7
The Chad team lived up to the hype as Ramesh’s stock portfolio tanked in the Rugg pull and consequently got transported to the Land down under. Ramesh, in a shocking turn of events thought that the Australia didn’t exist, but Chad Team taunted back with “now you Cee dee, not you don’t”. DeAndre meanwhile Swiftly found the endzone, putting Man Campbell’s caffeine induced heart palpitations at risk. A pretty surprising showing from this team hinges on a lot of big play opportunity. The fifth seeded team hosts Noah next week in a match worth the trash talk.
6. Brady 4Ever (0-1)
Owner – Parth Patel, Amit Dommeti
Last Week – #12
As the newer owners in the league, its kinda nice to see this team finally score more that 100 points in a game. As the namesake of this team finally comes true, maybe it truly is Tom versus time as the new dual threat owners Chase down their trash record from last year. Unfortunately we may be seeing the incarnation of the Cleveland Browns here as inspiring performances inevitably lead to losses. TJ the Rock Johnson was broken by his opponent has he was worked to Digg his own grave and piss in it. AJ Green showed that even though he’s on the Cardinals, he now has Red-Green color blindness. I expect this team to always be in the hunt progressing through the season.
7. Foster the Peoples-Jones (1-0)
Owner – Chinmay Kulkarni
Last Week – #5
We’ve reached the witching hour, as losses become wins, wins become losses. The winner of the battle of terrible roster moves got even worse in a huge struggle win, where Raheem Must Start turned into Raheem Must Fart, not staying healthy for even a half of NFL football. Mike Gesicki went to the hospital for being too Chubby, but somehow it didn’t matter as Chinmay proceeded to come Dak from the dead in a struggle win performance. This team, with a little more planning, could still make a run in the regular season, but first has a tough matchup in week 2 against the highest scoring team of Week 1.
8. Waddle House (0-1)
Owner – Nikhil Ramesh
Last Week – #1
An impressive showing in a loss, as Josh invited All-en his team to Park the McLaurin, only to bust a Gask-in. Joe Mixon made everyone realize why being a Waddle House short order chef is the most dangerous job in the world, as he fought a guy that said “this food is Col-man”. And, while initial hope was lost on Greg the Leg, in the end he still had a salvageable fantasy showing that would have resulted in an extremely close end score. This team, while combined with the 6th, 7th, and 8th place teams have the fire power needed to make a run in the regular season, but need some luck to go their way in the weeks to come. Next week is a match against serial Justin Herbert lover, Matt Lord.
9. Odellta Airlines (0-1)
Owner – Vikas Molleti
Last Week – #9
Odellta Airlines had to make an emergency landing this week, as Vikas must follow the Law-rence of the land and Succ up the pieces of the aftermath. It was no easy sledding in the trenches, as the only team with the balls-man to start two tight ends on the roster still managed to score a respectable number of points in a loss to the highest scoring team in week 1. A highly lopsided scoring week from this team, was delivered by one of the best wider receiver duos in the league, aided to put up 100+ points. Next week is another tough matchup against one of the top scoring week 1 teams in the league, and I believe that Vikas will have to back up the Staf-ford in this game to Chase down 1-1.
10. Cook out (0-1)
Owner – Keshav Ravi
Last Week – #3
These guys were destined for Davy Jones’ Locker, as the Buccaneer’s of the high seas were lost Miles and Miles from the New World. The quarterback role of this team is truly in Jeopardy, as the Lone Rodgers gets his ass Cooked having him Tuck and run. Keshav has Brown running down his leg this week as some of the highest scoring players lived on this bench. Is it too late to press the “Break glass in case of EmerJohncy button, or will Keshav be Fillon the blanks of his team with free agents? The Cook Out might need to be open till 3am as this team hits the wavier wire hard.
Award – League Loser of the Week
11. mcKISSic MY bASS (0-1)
Owner – Noah Rickles
Last Week – #4
Just typing this team name is so goddamn hard – it’s like the spongebob meme started playing fantasy football. Anyways, questionable decisions were made while selecting starters here. This team deserved to be yelled at by Gordan Ramsay, as Brandin tried his best to Cook his way onto the roster for some Mutton, but it turned into a black and Brown mess. Meanwhile, James was caught Robin-some ma-Homes, but was unfortunately caught on Kamara. This is exactly how this team played, like a deer in headlights. I think Noah will need to make better decisions on which players to start. Brandin Cooks is a clear start over Marquez Callaway, as this team travels next week and hopes not to be a virgin against the Chad Team.
12. Gronks Stonks (0-1)
Owner – Nikhil Ramanan
Last Week – #11
“You couldn’t handle your own failure, and where did that lead you, right back to me”. It’s truly hard to teach an old dog new tricks as, for once, I actually thought this team might be good. I distinctly remember Ramanan saying that “6th pick is GOAT this year” and then proceeded to draft Saquon Barkley in the first round. Jokes and Riddles aside, it might be clear that this team might be a small Chark in a big pond. I’m proud to announce that God won this week and put atheists on the hot seat. A whopping 4 players on this team scored 0.0 points, so a waiver wire overhaul is Gano happen. This team will have to jump through some crazy hoops, but the season is still young and good decisions can be made.
Award – Dumpster Fire of the Week/Deep Throat of the Week
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