Blood Pressure Blog

On my last blog, I (jokingly and not jokingly) mentioned 10 things on my mind with respect to accomplishing in 2021. Although I own up to the fact that I’ve made SEVERAL bad decisions, for example gambling on the gunslinger mentality of the Denver Broncos, the fact of the matter is, that one of my goals – getting jacked as shit – has been a slow work in progress.

Let’s face it, 2020 sucked ass. Fortunately for you, I’ve beat that bush so many times and milked the fact for hundreds of clicks that the cliché Insta bio “New Year, New Me”, finally comes to reality with respect to the blog. Therefore, in the spirit of personal and physical change, the 2021 goal of turning your body into a lethal weapon seems like a great point to discuss.

FULL DISCLOSURE. I am not a doctor. I have never tried to be a doctor, and most of the medical and/or exercise advice comes from my experiences equivalent to throwing ideas at a wall and seeing what sticks. Bro-Science is the name of the game, and as long as you’re literally in a gym attempting to break a sweat by a) not breaking every bone in your body, and b) not making yourself look like an uneducated normie, you pretty much pass the test. This is the anti-AthleanX – there will be no mention of fucking face-pulls or planks in this piece.

I’m going to outline 3 paths that generally quantify most of the population, 1) skinny people trying to gain weight, 2) fat people trying to lose weight, and 3) women. That’s literally like 95% of the population of Earth –  no person is truly “at maintenance”. If you think you’re at maintenance, congrats, you might as well be Ponce de Leon looking for the Fountain of Youth.

I’m morbidly obese and need to lose weight ASAP

Being fat might be your reality, but truly is more of a vibe than anything. Most fat people are either too lazy to deal with being fat and aren’t open to a lifestyle change, or don’t care about literally succumbing to death by gravity by being 50 pounds overweight. When Jillian Michaels aka “Toughest Trainer in America” calls contestants out for being fact fucks on national family television, there’s actually truth in her to her methodology of seeming like the moment’s world’s biggest dickhead. Therefore, if you want to lose weight, get it in your head that you’re fat and want change.

Decrease your caloric intake

Possibly giving the easiest advice that I could mention. If you have a problem with overeating, EAT LESS.

But what do I do if I get hungry?

Losing weight is a marathon, not a sprint. You can’t just cold turkey lose weight in two days. This is turning your body into beast, not quitting smoking. Use some tried and tested tips – Black coffee in the morning is a great way to energize. Carry around a gallon of water and literally piss out the fat in your system. Substitute shitty artificial fried snacks for a better, liquid diet.  Learn how to cook healthy and good food that’s filling and satisfies your macros. You don’t need to be Gordon Ramsay to make a lifestyle change but being an idiot sandwich ain’t it either.

Use Every Opportunity to Work out

If you’re overweight, chances are that you live a sedentary lifestyle. I’m not saying quit your 9-5 desk job, but several hacks exist to being more active than sitting on your couch and watching “7 straight hours of commercial free football”. First off, I’m a big water guy. I drink a shitload of water and have to piss like 10 times a day. Fortunately, if you’re in an office, just hydrate extremely often, giving you a great excuse to get in some steps to the restroom. If you’re like me with a limited capacity, that can be pretty often.

Sedentary lifestyles don’t necessarily have to be stationary. I highly recommend investing in a standing desk, greatly improving blood flow and generally promoting more action. I’m not saying you have to completely change your setup by replacing your office chairs with exercise balls or attaching a treadmill to your desk to arrive to your meetings as a hot mess. But a little investment into your own flexibility goes a long way.

Workout Plan

If you’re fat, chances are that you haven’t used an ounce of your nonexistent athleticism in a maddeningly long time. Here’s a good plan that I would use for the day 1 beginner –

1. Deadlift – Lift some heavy shit. A great full body exercise. Working out your back is literally the backbone (pun intended) of every movement your body does
2. Body Weight Squats – Let’s face it, the most leg work you get on a daily basis is swiveling around on your office chair. I’m not a math guy, but your legs are like 50% of your body, use them for something other than getting cookies from the fridge.
3. Push Ups – Do like 10 pushups every time your favorite show goes to break, or when one episode ends, and Netflix tries to force feed you the next episode

If you ever on the off chance find yourself in an actual gym, just work specific body parts and compound lifts. Intensity is the key here… nobody wants somebody hogging the leg press while liking athleisure models on the internet.

The workout plan in the next section might be of some value. Honestly, weight is weight, and it you’re working hard you’re doing it right.

I’m really skinny and want to gain muscle

If you’re a skinny person, you can tread a fine line between skinny fat, and legitimately skinny. Generally, being skinny fat is a better place to be in my opinion, honestly anywhere from like 15% -25% body fat is ok if you don’t look incredibly obese. After all, some of our chonk kings like Eli Manning, Mac Jones, and Jameis Winston fit the bill by still not being shredded but maintaining athleticism. Nobody should have to eat their way out of town like James Harden did, so there’s the boundary not to cross.

Protein and Supplements are your Friends

Protein supplements are like the guy/girl who holds your hair back while you throw up after 3 too many shots on your 24^th birthday.  They’re called supplements for a reason, and likewise, are made to assist you in filling holes in your diet where you might be short on macros. Like how on 90% of nights out you make it back to your apartment in decent shape, so too on 90% of meals you should be able to hit macros. Supplements supplement diet.

Bulking Strategies

There’s a lot of different ways to go about trying to put on weight. You can choose the worst possible way and drink mass gainers with more artificial chemicals than a Chernobyl swimming pool. You can dirty bulk if you want to feel like your stomach has evolved into a dumpster. Or you can clean bulk, which is eating healthy food in greater amount. Honestly, just eat clean bro. Keep your bulking in check and control how you gain your weight. Chipotle is a great way to do this, as well as using Peanut butter and coconut oil (in moderation) CLEAN ASS FOOD, CLEAN ASS GAINZ.

Workout Plan

Since I fall into the hard gainers category, here is my own, unfiltered, pure, straight from the Rockies workout plan–

I’m a woman and I don’t really identify with any of this

That’s not necessarily true. We’re all human beings, and therefore all of our bodies are inherently kinda similar. However, women have different workout and physique goals than men, and therefore, without mansplaining women’s bodies, I’ll attempt to give advice.

Help! I’ve fallen in love with cardio and I can’t get up!

Listen closely gentlemen, the three things that any girl likes are 1) diamonds, 2) chocolate, and 3) cardio (honorable mention to the elliptical). You go to any gym anywhere in the world, the density of women per square foot is off the fucking charts in the cardio section. Unless you’re training to run some long ass race, all people start seeing diminishing returns on cardio. Cardio should be a once or twice a week sort of thing to keep your heart in check and supplement lifting. Unfortunately, women seem to be afraid to lift due to a) fear of doing something new or looking bad, or b) becoming jacked as shit. I don’t think the second one is really should be a problem, but again, not going to mansplain women’s problems/bodies.

Also PLEASE get off the elliptical! The elliptical is the greatest clickbaity hoax on the planet and is literally only good for warming up or for people who have severe joint problems. The number of women I see at the gym just aimlessly flapping their arms and legs like flightless birds on an elliptical is too damn high!

Ab training is Key, and not just for women

If you also don’t want to work out arms and such, women (and really everyone) should really focus on ab training. The abs are arguably the most important muscles in the body and used extremely frequently in daily life. I’m not saying you need an 8-pack and need to look like the lovechild of Jason Momoa and The Rock, but having strong abs helps in nearly every other part of life.

The Single Greatest Exercise Ever Developed

If you really made it all the way to this point, here is the little bit of real 100% advice from me.

The greatest exercise that’s helped me with all aspects of my body doesn’t require any special equipment. In fact, this exercise is a parable on the age-old story of humans versus gravity. It’s a movement that’s been around since the Spartans and is tested in strongman competitions everywhere.

Farmer’s Walks are this exercise. This movement involves holding heavy weights in both arms and simply walking for some amount of distance until you have to drop the weight.

This is a great way to train grip, upper body stability, traps, stamina, quads, AND YOUR FUCKING MIND while you grit your way to the finish line against a force of nature that’s such a bitch that it decided to make itself invisible.

“It’s the start of a new day? What do I do?”

Every day is a great day to start something new. Be great and turn your body into a lethal weapon. Lions don’t concern themselves with the opinions of sheep.