Blood Pressure Blog

There are several people on this Earth who I would qualify as terrible excuses for human beings. Some people that graced the top of my list happen to be my second-grade teacher, my middle-school tennis coach who also happened to be a registered sex offender, and the teenage girl that works at Kroger that charity shames me into donating to hungry kids in Africa. Though these happen to be my personal fyre-fests that can ruin a moment, certain people on the face of the Earth are born to go around and piss people off. I believe that Jake Paul is one of these people and was born to be wild. 

Several videos of Jake Paul have surfaced around the internet after his fight and humiliation of Nate Robinson, including videos of harassing Connor McGregor’s trainer, and instigating Floyd Mayweather. Jake Paul seemingly has made it his mission to piss off every person that has at least a bicep vein within a 20 mile radius of Los Angeles, driving around and throwing water balloons at people and challenging to fight him like C.J. Gardner-Johnson every time he touches a football field. UnfortuaNATEly, his fight against Robinson was a total mismatch and was destined for disaster, as Paul is 23 and (supposedly) stands 6’1’’ while Robinson is 36 and stands 5’9’’.

1. Jake Paul Doesn’t know how to count to 12

If someone gave me the opportunity to swap lives with Jake Paul for 24 hours, I would seriously consider not doing it. “But wouldn’t it be nice to live like Jake Paul in LA and have generational wealth” said the sheeple. My answer to that is no. Jake Paul’s moral compass is pointed south – any person that buys a shit ton of guns just for clout is asking for 10 different government agencies to come tear down his door. Also he broke up with Jose Conseco’s daughter but that’s neither here nor there. 

Back to the matter at hand, I doubt Paul’s ability to use a ruler. Jake lists himself at 6’1’’. Though the boxing community has waged a meaningless war on tape measures and the human spine, the fact remains that Jake Paul has listed his height inaccurately and is shorter than expected, leading me to believe that I have a far greater odds against him. Allow me to explain…

Active Mike Tyson listed himself as 5’10’’. We clearly see in the top image the Jake Paul is indeed taller than Tyson, but clearly not by much. In the second image, Paul is seen reenacting the scene from Titanic where (SPOILER ALERT) Rose drowns Jack. YouTuber KSI lists himself at 6’0’’,and is exceedingly clear that they’re the same height. As a person who is 6’0’’ on 50% of the days I wake up, I believe that I stand an excellent chance against Jake Paul in the ring.

2. It would give me a great excuse to put my entire life on hold and gain 30 pounds

Height is not the only stat of importance in boxing, weight also factors greatly into whether a fighter can pack heat. Paul weighs 185 for the fight, which is honestly not as much as I thought just looking as his fatass. As a generally 160ish lb dude that’s been trying to get jacked for the latter of a decade (and has made decent progress), this would give me the opportunity to focus on one goal and one goal alone, gaining weight. Jake Paul seems like the sort of dude who does steroids and then passes them along to the Houston Texans anyway, but again, we’ve discussed the morality thing already. Steroids are bad, they cause hormone imbalances, gynecomastia, and hair loss. Jake Paul looks like he’s got thinning hair anyways, so Myth busted. 

3. It would be an awesome money making opportunity

I really don’t understand how fighters have so much money. Floyd Mayweather made so much money that he took all of 3 seconds to name his business that does god knows what The Money Team. Regardless, whoever wants to sign us on this fight would also make a shit ton of money and would profit so heavily that you honestly wouldn’t have to work for your entire life. Personally the life of drinking Pina Coladas on Fiji seems pretty attractive to me. As I always say, I’d rather sell one huge thing, then a million small things. Rather sell one singular fight than a million undercard fights. 

We can all agree that Jake Paul is scum of the Earth. Though I have no fighting experience, I believe my generally athletic background would allow me to pick it up, and would be doing a service to humanity at the same time.