Blood Pressure Blog

If you’re like the rest of us NFL fans, you love a bit of chaos thrown in on your Sunday afternoon football slate. As bird-brained fans, nothing stands in between gas-lighting ourselves to get behind any horse’s ass coach or team, and absolute pain and misery while supporting a failure of a season. I believe the reason for easy-clickbait behavior stems from a plethora of nutcase personalities in the NFL – people like New York Jets Coach Adam Gase, who literally invented the word “hyperdrive” as a response to his team not winning a single game, while several player nutjobs such as Antonio Brown, and even owners such as Washington Football Team owner Dan Snyder, who would probably rather turn his stadium into a FEMA camp for all the quarterbacks that get hurt on his turf every year. However, no clown-show reigns supreme in the NFL as, quite literally America’s Team, the Dallas Cowboys. 

The biggest knock that I believe everyone gives the Dallas Cowboys is inevitability of the crazy media entourage that orbits the team and generally has to do with the owner of the team, Jerry Jones. If we characterize a subset of players in the NFL as Diva wide receivers (Michael Thomas, Antonio Brown, Odell Beckham, etc), Jerry is a Diva owner. The Cowboys’ stadium, colloquially known as Jerry’s World, is like a shine to his short, balding, plastic-surgery riddled face, as if he’s the overlord in WestWorld without any of the scientific advances (because Jerry seems like an anti-science guy).

As a Cowboys fan, this is a yearly occurrence to the point of normalcy. Yet the Boys never cease to amaze, and this year hit especially hard since the team is a literal dumpster fire along with the rest of the division. The Cowboys currently sit at 3-8 and in dead last place in the NFC East, and likely need to win out to make and host their own playoff game as an 8-8 team. I believe this is 100% possible, partially because the competition is the additional trash heap of the Philadelphia Eagles, the New York Giants, and the Washington Football Team. The remaining schedules of these 3 teams are vastly more difficult than the Cowboys schedule, and therefore will help our case to the playoffs. However, let’s go through each of the remaining five games on the Cowboys schedule and see how they can win out in the most accurate and statistically backed ways possible.  

Dallas Cowboys at Baltimore Ravens – Week 13 – 12/8

The Ravens are coming off 2 ugly performances against the Pittsburgh Steelers and the novel Coronavirus. We know that the Ravens as a collective have greatly compromised immune systems that can be taken advantage for the win. Fortunately, the Dallas Cowboys have a secret weapon that can only be released on Tuesdays – Lebron James and Taco Tuesdays. I’m assuming the Mexican food in Baltimore probably isn’t the best, therefore having Lebron celebrate Taco Tuesday with the Ravens plus his next Twitter baby Bron will deeply compromise the entire Ravens digestive systems. The Ravens literally can’t play prevent defense on their own assholes, leading to a million touchdowns by Ezekiel Elliot. (oh also this is the Dez Bryant revenge game but he’ll probably have like -2 yards in rushing).

Dallas Cowboys at Cincinnati Bengals – Week 14 – 12/13

Though MVP candidate Brandon Allen is a fine replacement for Ohio wunderkind Joey Football, you can’t overlook the fact that this is the Andy Dalton revenge game. Not only is Team Red Rocket blasting off to outer space, but Dalton has several moles in the Bengals organization able to press the self-destruct button the on the Bengal’s season from the inside. Though Cincinnati head coach and “most likely to be a country music star” Zac Taylor may not be coaching for his job, the fact remains that the organization had always been shrouded with a layer of incompetence even in the Joe Burrow era. I see no other option other than Andy Dalton throwing for 5 touchdowns and 500 yards, in what will surely be a rejuvenating, homecoming performance.  

San Francisco 49ers at Dallas Cowboys – Week 15 – 12/20

The 49ers are currently the traveling roadshow of the NFL, a homeless team that now pays rent to the Arizona Cardinals for facilities like a broke 20-something year old that’s like “SHUT UP MOM I’M TRYING TO GET A JOB”. When the 49ers arrive to Jerry’s World, they’ll be greeted to the giant relaxing oasis that is AT&T stadium, where they can relax from their exodus from the Bay Area. As a team with several handsome figures on the playing and coaching staff, this makes them rightfully future plastic-surgery candidates, something that our lord and savior Jerry Jones knows all too well about, and will try to sell them services of the best plastic-surgeons in the Dallas-Fort Worth area. The Cowboys will catch their opponents in this relaxed lull and proceed to burn Richard Sherman for a zillion yards. 

Philadelphia Eagles at Dallas Cowboys – Week 16 – 12/27

If there’s another team that’s a traveling joke, it’s the Philadelphia Eagles. Carson Wentz plays football like he presses all the buttons at exactly the same time in Madden, while the receiving group is headlined by Travis Fulgham, and Game of Thrones extra Jalen Reagor Targaryan. However, the main storyline of this game is the battle the difficult battle of which Dallas reigns supreme – Eagles tight end Dallas Goedert, or the entire Dallas Cowboys organization. Last time I checked, it takes more than one person to win a football game, so therefore the Cowboys will hang 70 points on the Eagles while proving that they are indeed the better version of the second largest metropolitan area in Texas.

Dallas Cowboys at New York Giants – Week 17 – 1/3

The New York Giants are a team on the rise in the NFC Beast, with a frisky defense and a strategy of chucking the ball a million yards to Evan Engram. However, don’t be fooled, as Giants starting quarterback and budding IZOD model Daniel Jones may hit the injury report causing a literal void at QB. Colt McCoy, being a Texas guy with a very Texas name, might start at QB for the Giants, but will literally realize in an instant that he should have either stayed in Austin and just become an offensive coordinator or become Matthew McConaughey’s Lincoln driver. The suffocating Cowboys defense will put McCoy into an eternal state of Eli face, while CeeDee Lamb hangs CeeDeez Nuts on the Giants secondary. 

Long live the Dallas Cowboys!