Blood Pressure Blog

If you’re exactly like me, you’re probably waiting for the day that the pandemic comes to an end. I greatly look forward to the day where we can all sit outside and just blast particles at each other – I greatly look forward to the day that Astra Zenica or big-pharma releases a vaccine that actually cures this shit. Unfortunately, we’re yet to gain tickets to Astra-World, so we’re forced to sit on our hands and not do anything like Georgia Tech Football getting games postponed. The thing is, I deeply care about the mental sanity of all people, after all, if I’m ever going to make a run for office, I should run on a platform that nobody has ever thought of as America’s therapist. 

During 2020, I’ve lost the ability to have a meaningful and cohesive conversation. Therefore, I propose that we should flip the opposite way and force ourselves to feel like we’re having 8 different conversations with 8 different people all at the same time. The government should legalize all drugs while a COVID vaccine is in production, I’m talking acid, mushrooms, weed, LSD, paint thinner, airplane glue, scorpion grass, and party poppers. I need to feel like a young adult, and what’s better practice than going to Bath and Body Works and smelling all the candles just to feel like you’re on a Zoom call with your boss, your mom, your grandma, and your ex all at the same time just to explain to each of them why you’ve been texting them “send fleet pics” in the DMs. 

I may suggest this yet rest assured that I’m not a drug user. Hell, I am so drug averse that I’ll literally make an example of steroids users for being unnecessarily yoked. However, if we can’t even come together at the beach and rage at least a little bit, I might as well use a different sort of sand to give myself a semblance of any sort of fun. After all, the phrase of the year of 2020 has been “6-feet apart” and this can easily be translated to characterizing line lengths just so that we can freebase cocaine every Thanksgiving like the sacraments of the 12 days of Christmas. 

If there really is a group on the hot seat in 2020, it’s anti-vaxxers. The anti-vaxxer community got some pretty decent PR in the beginning of the year in the form of tennis superstar Novak Djokovic coming out of the closet to claim his inclusion into the group. They’ve laid in silence since then –  I’m assuming biding their time by living under bridges like trolls or however anti-vaxxers spend their time. Unfortunately, their day of reckoning is fast approaching, as the day that the vaccine is released will be like Christmas with needles. Drugs come into hand here – though we may not be able to inject autism into their blood streams, we may still be able to mass placebo-effect them by mixing it in over-the-counter drugs as a two birds in one stone solution to finally eradicate diseases making a comeback from the 1950s. 

The fact of the matter is that all of the wheels of big-drug have to turn. If big-pharma suddenly throws a hissy fit and starts producing drugs to cure herpes instead of causing hallucinations, the sanity of America rests in the balance. If big-cranberry can put out a video of a bald guy skateboarding in Los Angeles and spinzone it into a PR stunt, Pfizer can put out a video of high-schoolers taking the AP Chemistry exam and profiling such behavior as prospective Adderall users. It’s all about perspective – the agents at the top must to cooperate with the people at the bottom, because after all, we certainly live in times of great collaboration and communication.