Blood Pressure Blog

It’s no secret that since 2016, Trump has run his campaign on the backbone of operating the government like one of his companies. And though over the past 4 years of his presidential term, several instances of bringing a supposed “corporate culture” to the Oval Office have passed, the fact remains that Trump is NOT a successful businessman. A large share of his daily presidential activities take place between the hours of 11am to 3pm like some hungover college student rolling out of bed just to stuff his face with shredded cheese on a Saturday. Trump has even gone so far as to quote his own book, The Art of the Deal, to justify his governing tactics. However, though writing your own book and simultaneously quoting it is an excellent way to screw over unsuspecting college freshman to line your pockets, it’s not advised as using it as a quick start guide for running the country.  

People that know me know that I’m a big gym-goer. Even though I’m not the strongest or the fastest guy in the gym, the fact remains that I’m not some inexperienced noob that ends up on Instagram reels hanging upside down on a Lat pull-down machine. The gym I frequent used to be a dark and dingy place without air conditioning, which was like working out in Satan’s ass crack. Fortunately during quarantine, gym management changed our hell hole $10 a month gym into a livable, breathable, place with equipment from the later part of this century. A not-so-great result of this is all the MILFS that suddenly realized that our gym is a cheap “judgement free zone” and can’t tell the difference between a yoga mat and a kettlebell. However, though new gym ownership made our place a lot more enjoyable, these several months of seeing renovations that got me thinking, what if the entire US of A was run like a gym instead of one of Trump’s failed companies?

Now, I understand that a gym is a type of business. However, I believe there are certain nuances between running any random business, and running a gym. 

The locker room is an essential component of any gym, and the more guys in a locker room, the more likely that someone gets their dignity shattered. Therefore, we can translate this to politics. Politics needs to function like a locker room – just jump in and snap some towels. Washington is too much of a “he said, she said” sort of deal – one moment you’re filming a commercial on why John Ossoff clubs baby seals, next you’ve got a Russian reporter in your hotel room with your hand down your pants. Politicians need to get in and snap towels at each other – in a sort of locker room combine. It’s an easy determinant of an alpha, nobody gets their ego hurt.

Trump runs his companies with the primary motivation of making money, regardless of screwing investors or gas-lighting customers. Gyms are not that. Gyms are shrines to the gods of gains, the mother of muscle, the swami of swol. Only when you create a conducive atmosphere for worship, will the gym become profitable, and not just for a gym, but any sort of business. For example, Trump has run decently profitable private businesses, but failed to flirt with running a publicly owned company. Trump is the embodiment of private enterprise such that his entire staff is composed of yes-men sheeple. Therefore, when he runs a government just to hire his friends and then stab them in the back by proving they’re committing heinous crimes against the law and the God-fearing Republican party… nowhere in the statement did I read “for America”. Therefore, our president should worship Americans and the problems that plague all classes of people – only then will a successful government be founded.  

Let’s face it, coffee is for fucking losers. Not only are there like an infinitesimal number of methods I need to specify to consume hipster juice, but some kid in the Amazon rainforest never having contact with human civilization is now one step closer to buying the iPhone 12. Instead everyone and politicians should be turn to pre-workout. Politicians should slam pre-workouts just like how they slam each other’s wives during a congressional recess. Pre-workout is more efficient than coffee, and therefore politicians have more time figuring out whether fracking is bad for the environment – or bad for the environment. Coffee gives you shitty coffee breath like some washed up eye-doctor that needs to be asked “one, or two” with respect to how many coffees he inhaled all day.  Coffee also stains your teeth, and do you really want your politician spending money on bankrupt-mall grade laser teeth whitening. The transition is simple, slam pre-workout, or slam America.

A gym is generally meant for people who want some form of self-betterment, and therefore such people should be given priority for holding public office or creating cabinet positions. In fact, I would be willing to bet that gym-goers as a unit are some of the most in-tune, on the same frequency type of group, that gives them a cult-like following, though not on the same level of fanatical cross fitters. Gym-goers are a very predictable sort of people, wearing the same sort of spandex-polyester corny-ass graphic tee with something like “flex on me” sprawled out, and generally even performing the same sort of routines at the gym. Therefore, people that go to the gym are literally like a levelheaded cult, and should be given political priority for their predictableness, and group think, almost telepathic abilities.  

Running the government like a business was never a successful idea given Trump’s track record of failed businesses. However, if hewere to run the government like a business, a gym would be a great choice to start. Gyms are places of self-betterment and require consistent attention to gym infrastructure while providing a degree of, at least passible sanitary service. If I were to run for public office, and I had no place to even learn from, I would turn to my own experiences within several gyms in my lifetime.