Blood Pressure Blog

Ever since the wedding of Prince Charles to Princess Diana, the world, and especially America grew a strange obsession with imposters that were given outdated power from the world changing schemes of inbreeding. The truth is though, America adores the British monarchy, viewed as an almost wayyyy too real reality TV show. This pipe dream has tried to be taken forward through several media outlets, and most recently Netflix, creating historical dramas centered around the royal family.

I recently read an excellent op-ed article featured in an essay writing contest held by the New York Times. The winner of the contest, 10^thgrader Nina Nzekwe, wrote her own version of Why America Needs a Royal Family. Her takes (and boy did she have some takes) inspired me to go further in why America needs a Royal Family, in the only way I know how, absolute debauchery. 

The first reason I believe that America needs a royal family is for the performance of ceremonial tasks of the state. For example, coronations, oaths of office, and committing all the voter fraud in America need to be celebrated by at least 3 people becoming “Knights of America” which are dollar store SJWs fighting the guerrilla war on neighborhood Karens. Think about it this way, all the sporting champions that somehow drop the trophy while celebrating on national TV could be saved from SportsCenter Not Top 10 hell by a colony of appointed ceremonial drones. It would also be a great burden reduction from those in the armed services where they’re primary role is to perform ceremonial duties. For example, instead of a singular person service member guarding the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, have a person strictly responsible that is part of an organization that runs such ceremonial duties. 

Donald Trump is no stranger to reality TV. However, it’s clear as daylight that turning the government into a media circus composed of Ivanka Trump pursuing her modeling career with a can of beans interferes with being the leader of the free world. Thus, having the royal family create reality TV-esque drama at the federal level will not only ease the burden of our head of state, but also create awesome pretty much scripted family friendly content that we can all enjoy. Here is where I propose a partnership as well, specifically with the WWE. The WWE are the kings (no pun intended) of scripted, live TV, and our royal family can really learn from this corporation creating multiverse-shattering content such as Queen Elizabeth throwing Untertaker through a plastic folding table. Similarly, the WWE is a very profitable enterprise, and with this business strategy, the royal family will also be able to pull in fat checks. However, since this is technically a government enterprise, these funds must be funneled into decreasing the US national debt while in the process funding the next piece of Chinese spyware and waging war against the New York City’s National Debt Clock.

Therefore, for the sanity of America, and for the survival of our government, we can only go up with the establishment of a royal family. Just make sure we don’t somehow dupe ourselves into praying for some guy named King Donald.