Blood Pressure Blog

America’s long national nightmare didn’t just start with Cardi B topping the charts with an educational track on the world’s tallest waterfalls. Instead, we live in a COVID-hellscape where the simple life pleasures can no longer be taken for granted. For millions in America, one such pleasure is football. However, with new developments of several college football conferences canceling entire seasons, notably the Big Ten and Pac-12 conferences, the future of football and America’s weekend sanity hangs in the balance. The NFL and piss test addict Roger Goodell have remained adamant that training camps and regular season games will still occur, meaning that fans can still play a game that sports nerds and jocks can both rejoice to, fantasy football. However, today I’m here to tell you that nobody gives a shit about your fantasy league. 

Ever since fantasy sports grew in popularity over collecting Yu-Gi-Oh cards and throwing rocks at a wall, the hobby blossomed to the point where gambling addiction centers ween people off putting their life-savings on Todd Gurley not being a 69-year old man. Similar to every mid-twenties guy wearing an Eagles jersey in his Twitter profile, fantasy football is something that people want to take seriously, but when they end up losing they barrel through the 5 stages of depression convincing themselves that it’s “Just a game”, or “There’s always next year”. To me, these are the ranting of an out of control child. The cult following behind fantasy sports is SO great, that ESPN and several sports media outlets have hired personalities specifically to cover the “science” of fantasy sports pretty much like Anderson Cooper reporting about your SimCity game.  

Unwritten social rules dictate that talking about your thesis in Call Her Daddy episodes is equivalent to placing your balls on the table and announcing that you won your fantasy league. Noting your struggles about not receiving points for every Michael Thomas social media breakdown, or about reaching in the draft for a repeated marijuana user as your flex is not sexy and should be punishable by a quick punch to the groin. The blood is not on my hands jabronis. 

Fantasy experiences are greatly shaped by the commissioner and their style of leadership. In my experience, two types of commissioners exist, 1) the type that allows you to trade Tom Brady for a bag of cookies, or 2) the type that runs a fantasy gulag for not worshipping the points projection gods. No situation here is really advantageous, but again, other people would rather run headfirst into a block of concrete that listen to your boring-ass struggles about how you tried to trade Kevin White for a Fratagonia quarter-zip. The fantasy police would like to remind you that your friends are not your fantasy sports cuddle buddies. 

Fantasy football is also one of the largest money pits that Americans encounter. Yet unlike buying a boat or cash-for gold schemes, the repetition and addictive nature of fantasy sports places it in the top 5 TLC’s My Strange Addiction. Millions of dollars are spent and made on fantasy sports. Fortunately, it’s human nature that we all love money. Fortunately, we don’t get boy scout badges for making dumbass money losing decisions for drafting Matt Bryant instead of Matt Ryan.

Bad beats are something that happen in fantasy sports and life. Yet just like life, you suck it up, and tackle the problem like an adult. So, since when did it become acceptable to complain about pipe dreams with a comparable survival rate to going to the gym for more than 3 days in January? Therefore, complaining that you made the playoffs as a 2-seed and got bounced in the first round by Tractorcito putting up 60 fantasy points…oh wait nobody cares.

However, usually when I’m not getting mad about jagweeds bringing up fantasy NASCAR, I spend time on the Blood Pressure Blog Instagram page. Follow it here!