Blood Pressure Blog

The act of failing upwards is a commonality in today’s political scene.Urban Dictionary defines this act as – “to continuously keep screwing up so badly, that one eventually ends up deriving gain from failure” Several notable individuals, from Hollywood personalities, to politicians in the limelight, have gained notoriety, for better or for worse, from their respective failures. One such politician and famed pseudoscience peddler is Texas Senator and Zodiac Killer, Ted Cruz. 

We can attribute several titles to Cruz’s resume – 2016 Republican Presidential Candidate, Harvard Law School Grad, Internet Meme, Grayson Allen look-alike. On the contrary, we can conclude with great certainty that Ted Cruz cannot be labeled as a sane person. Child of a Puerto Rican father and Irish mother, Cruz was born in Canada. His supposed “creepy” and “unlikable” personality of today takes root in his college days. As a student at Princeton, he was a generally rambunctious guy, notably “walking around female living hallways with only a bathrobe” like an exotic bird doing mating dances on Animal Planet. Cruz also had a certain silent arrogance about him, as classmates described him as having nothing to “learn from anyone else”. His roommate also mentioned that if Cruz were to somehow become president, that we would rather “pick somebody from the phone book” then having a dumbass, narcissistic dude in the White House (have I heard of that one before?)

Cruz’s blame to fame stems from the fact that he’s consistently throat kicking himself by being on the wrong side of a political movement. For example, Ted Cruz supports the pro-life movement, and has made numerous attempts to shut down planned parenthood. However, his incredibly simple solution to planned parenthood is to “replace it with rubbers”.  For the record, the only time it’s acceptable to say “replace it with rubbers” is having to do with hardware projects, automobiles, or sports related thing, not the end all be all solution for the debate on legality of abortion. Cruz was also one calling for Obama’s “fake” birth certificate to be released. I don’t really get this, because as a Canadian citizen himself, he has zero credentials to ask for Barack Hussein-Abdulah-Mohammad-Saudi Arabia-Mecca-Obama’s birth certificate.

Cruz’s current tenure in the Senate is a makeshift gag reel. Ted Cruz, probably greatest believer in pseudoscience, somehow convinced the human personification of a plastic bag, Mitch McConnell, to make him head of the Senate Subcommittee on Science, Space, and Competitiveness. This position also entails that he built a mind control device to brainwash thousands of NASA scientists and engineers that the guy Politifact claimed as being the “dumbest man on the internet” can run operations at a place that probably has most smart people per occupa. Cruz’s rebuttal on this fact is by flexing his honorary professorship at UT Austin. Unfortunately, Matthew McConaughy also has one, meaning I’d rather hear him lecture “I’d rather go backwards to go forwards to finally go sideways in a fucking Lincoln”, than Cruz lecturing me on how to become cuddle buddies with Rex Tillerson.  

The single greatest gaffe in Cruz’s political career happened in October 2013, when Cruz singlehandedly and casually shut down the government of the largest economy in the world. The government shutdown was caused in part by bipartisanship over potentially repealing the Affordable Care Act (Obama Care). Cruz was part of the offensive to remove the law, and when failure was imminent, he turned to the only real skill in his political arsenal, bullshitting random facts. Cruz filibustered his own political action on the Senate floor for a staggering 21 hours, highlights of which were incredibly gut wrenching performances of Dr. Seuss’ Green Eggs and Ham, and lifelike impersonations of Darth Vader that surely made LucasFilms scrap their special effects budget for the next 10 years in lieu of a guy that probably nicknamed his own dick Big Tex.

One of my favorite things to cover on the blog is the different methods and belief systems that people use towards the pursuit of pseudoscience, therefore making Ted Cruz an extremely interesting case study. Cruz doesn’t care what your scientist buddies think, he doesn’t care what doctors think, he doesn’t care what psychologists think. Instead, he fully goes Joker breaking out of Arkham Asylum and crafts reality and scientific principles to fit his own selfish needs. First, Cruz believes that he is the only human on Earth to have, what he terms, as an audiographic memory. This term not only is the bane of MS Word spell-checker, but is also listed under Urban Dictionary as “the term audiographic memory is not an actual word”. In addition, Cruz has also taken a page out of the Scientologist playbook to bully his way into the way into the New York Time’s bestsellers list by writing the singlehandedly most narcissistic memoir known to man. However, Cruz couldn’t live with himself by just writing about his life. Instead, he reportedly tried to juice the stats for his book sales by purchasing several copies of his own book in bulk. Now we know why rappers hate bots juicing streaming platform numbers.

When one looks at Ted Cruz, the word cultured doesn’t immediately come to mind. However, Ted Cruz thinks that he has one of the best ears for genre defining music trends. Cruz, a prior Rock music fan, no longer listens to the genre, because he didn’t like how “the rock music genre responded to 9/11, I listen to country music now”, probably the biggest music genre switch since Taylor Swift went from country to pop.

Ted Cruz is the Stephan A. Smith of Washington politics, in that he consistently finds himself on the wrong side of a hot take, and then tries to play it off like a shitty not-joke only designated to the Michael Scott School of Schrödinger’s douchbags. Cruz stated on national TV that an “overwhelming majority of violent criminals are Democrats”. This statement is wholehearted false, because every high school civics student knows that criminals can’t vote, meaning their party allegiances are meaningless. Cruz has also publicly doubted the work of Politifact, saying that statistics they publish are “mostly false”. Cruz clearly doesn’t realize that the entire point of Politifact is to fact check the accuracy of claims made by public officials. If this isn’t enough, Cruz, also has running beef with IRS leadership, wanting to banish IRS employees to Mexico and make them work as border control. His approach maintains that the general shittiness of IRS employees will stop illegal immigrants from crossing the border from Mexico to stop dead in their tracks.

Ted Cruz is an absolute anomaly, and in full seriousness, I’m not sure why anyone would want “Lucifer in the flesh” to come remotely close to any sort of public office. Cruz’s political career has been defined by misinformation, political gaffes, and most importantly cutting programs for underprivileged Americans causing his entire persona to have aged like milk. Cruz is expected to run for reelection in 2024 in Texas, however only time will tell whether he will run as a seasoned politician, or as a comedy school dropout.