Blood Pressure Blog

Today we prove that love isn’t dead. The principle of this fact lies on a combination of lifestyle choices and mental opinions. For example, it’s my firm belief that some people are set to lead lives of incredible mediocrity, and others like me lead lives only meant for schizophrenic crack addicts of incredible highs and depressing lows. Unfortunately, both these groups have a commonality, the fact that each individual encounters random problems and conflicts thrown at them into their unassuming fat faces. Relationships are a key area where people especially run into problems, several turning to counseling or therapy. However, paying an arm and a leg to Maury Pauvich to chase you around an LA studio with a DNA test is probably not going to cut it. Therefore, as your resident hot take specialist, I’ll attempt to provide relationship advice to complete strangers on the internet. Just as a quick serious aside, it IS actually a scientific fact, I’m sure from the minds of deGrasse Tyson and Jessica from Love is Blind, that single people give the best relationship advice (here are links I’m actually not bullshitting this). For this post, we’ll cover the story – My (29F) Boyfriend (29M) keeps getting into fights with a cook at Waffle House 

I’ll provide a slightly abridged version, but the full version is at the link – 

“My BF and I have been together for three years. We met and started dating when we were both in graduate school, but I dropped out to go back to college to pursue a different career. We are both finished now, and live together making a fairly nice combined income.”

Remember what I said about lives of mediocrity? I’d put my life savings on the fact that these guys fall into this camp. Regardless, so far nobody has any merit to be anywhere even close to star in a Dos Equis commercial. As a person who also pretty much failed upwards to two degrees, good on them for going to grad school.

“Our income is relevant because we could afford to eat somewhere nice when we’re out and about, but he always wants breakfast food. When he was a child his dad couldn’t stand eating breakfast-type food in the afternoon or evenings, so his mom would make him waffles/pancakes, eggs, and bacon. It’s a wonderful and safe memory for him, and when he goes to his “happy place,” he says that’s where he always goes.”

First off, people eat at Waffle House regardless of whether you’re a drunk college student or Jeff Bezos at 3am about to risk it all for half his net worth. Therefore I’m not a fan of this girl and her fake-news elitist attitude saying that those in a lower income bracket eat at Waffle House. Secondly, having a mental safe space is a very healthy and responsible thing. However, I think it’s a great visual to do some mental gymnastics to think about a guy thinking about breakfast food. For example, his boss screams at him for lackluster work – he thinks about breakfast food. He takes his future kid to Chuck E. Cheese – he thinks about breakfast food. He gets a speeding ticket – think about breakfast food. Frankly, I don’t know why this guy doesn’t have like one of those insulin pump things on this back, however instead of insulin it provides some sort of liquefied breakfast food.

“My BF is an incredibly nice and caring person. He’s emotionally tuned in to everyone and recognizes arising issues a long time before they occur. He loves animals, and is kind and gentle with every bug, bird, and pet that he comes across. He’s almost always willing to turn the other cheek in social situations where somebody tries to insult him or get aggressive towards him, and usually winds up defusing the situation and having a productive discussion about whatever the issue was. Except at Waffle House.“

Something super common in these relationship reviews is to show readers that the “defendant” is a salvageable personality, only to run them headfirst into a brick wall one statement later . For example, “my boyfriend is a really sweet person, BUT sometimes he brings out guns in the bedroom”, or “my girlfriend is super sweet BUT I’m pretty sure she secretly thinks she’s a cat”. The fact that this dude also never gets into fights, even when getting into an unhinged fist-fight is morally ok, is not ok with me. However, if this guy thinks he’s going to get some brownie looking-ass girl scout badge for “best in diffusing a fight”, he deserves the wrath of a thousand suns.

“Anytime we’re out he wants to go to the same goddamn Waffle House and get breakfast food. I’m not a big eater, so I used to not really care. I would just drink coffee and read my book while he enjoyed his food. But that became impossible once he and this one cook started chirping at each other every time we went there. BF complained about his eggs one time, because he likes them a little runny and they were served hard. The cook responded by giving him scrambled eggs. When he brought it up again the cook served him two hardboiled eggs. I think it was just part of the cook’s schtick, and it was kind of funny tbh, but my BF wasn’t able to laugh it off. When we left he was in kind of a bad mood, but we didn’t really talk about it.“

If you’re a fast food chef, the ONLY thing you have is your schtick. I don’t know a single chef that doesn’t actively have a schtick. On the flip side I actually think its really funny that GF even attempts to read or work while BF eats. Anyone ever tried to do study or do homework at Waffle House? Reading or even focusing is next to impossible in any condition, cause the only acceptable decibel level for communication is on par with like 10 Boeing 747s. And not only do I have to deal with distractions, but I also have to compete with practically the Waffle House silent killer, syrup table stains.

“The next week we were out getting some shopping done, and he wanted to go to Waffle House again. I suggested that we try out a different place, or at least a different Waffle House location, but he only wanted the same Waffle House. We went in and sat down, and once again the same cook served his eggs wrong. My BF sort of snapped at him that he wasn’t interested in messing around, and just wanted the correct eggs. The cook then served him a piece of toast with a hole cut out in the middle with a fried egg in it. My BF got really mad and threw the egg toast at the cook, which made the cook come around from behind the bar and throw it back at him. They ended up sort of wrestling/fighting until my BF was like “this is bullshit” and walked out. Nobody got hurt, but the few other people in there were watching and laughing a bit.“

“This is the crazy part: my BF keeps going back and ordering eggs and getting into fistfights with the same cook. It’s almost a ritual at this point. My BF orders runny eggs, the cook serves him some other version of eggs, and then they beat the shit out of each other. I quit going with him after the second fight, but he kept going by himself. They’re like Peter and the giant chicken from Family Guy, it’s the weirdest thing. They’ve physically fought like 6 or 7 times over this.“

Straight up didn’t know George Foreman gave up his multimillion dollar kitchen appliance empire just to continually beat the shit out of a guy that got his man card taken away from a girl scout troop. I bet his master plan is to grill BF’s foot and serve it to him as a style of egg just to play a sick joke relating to foot in mouth syndrome. I’m also VERY sure that this guy and the chef are really just bros, like they probably text each other before hand just so they can fight and hang out. When dudes act like bros, you make memories that last forever, therefore giving meaning to the corny Hallmark.com phrase, sometimes I love you, sometimes I want to punch you in the face. The human body literally craves contact, and when your significant other doesn’t pull through it’s a next man up approach. 

When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade, and our girlfriend needs to take this advice pronto before the Winklevoss Twins sue her for having the same idea that they had. If I was her, I would start an underground betting ring to place bets on fights, and even prop bets like what sort of eggs are going to be served today? In addition, every time I saw a fight I would instinctually start screaming “WORLDSTAR” cause at this point I’m like a dehydrated dog with sources of entertainment equivalent to huffing Red Bull.

“I’ve tried to talk to him about it a few times, but he keeps saying it’s a matter of principle. I’ve told him to talk to the manager or something like that, but he just waves me off. Apparently that it’s a matter of principle. I’ve told him to talk to the manager or something like that, but he just waves me off. Apparently that something like that, but he just waves me off. Apparently that cook hasn’t yet made him the correct runny eggs, but it’s like he spends the week learning new ways of preparing eggs to piss my boyfriend off.“

Of course it’s a matter of principle! Dudes are like top 5 most stubborn people on the planet right next to medical insurance scam artists and vegans on weekdays. Ignorance must also bliss cause you really think the manager at Waffle House is actually going to do something? There are only two possible things that the manager could do, 1). stare and act like a deer in headlights, or 2). not even notice because he’s definitely seen some batshit crazy things as a Waffle House shift manager.

“The thing is, we’re getting married this summer. He’s accepted a job in a new city and it’ll be easy for me to find work after the wedding, so we’ll be moving away from his sworn enemy waffle house guy. He hasn’t really been out since quarantine started, but it wouldn’t surprise me if that’s the first place he goes when restaurants open back up for sitting customers. But my main worry is this strange vindictive side of him I’ve never seen before that leads him to fight the same guy every week. The violence itself is an issue for me, but the obsession over it almost bothers me more. Should I be worried that this side of him will come up later in our marriage? How do I get him to open up about this? Is this type of obsession a choice, or is it indicative of something deeper?“

I don’t think this girl knows, but there’s like a 75% chance that her boyfriend dumps her for Waffle House Cook guy, and like a 50% chance that he finds another short-order-cook-replacement to be his bro.

GF also strikes me as a person who looks down on Waffle House. I don’t really get what her deal is with the place, but if you go to the south there’s one literally every mile on every road. Waffle House isn’t a restaurant, its literally a food service station. For those that aren’t from the south and don’t know, imagine a gas station bathroom that also serves breakfast food. Also a quick shout-out to Waffle House employees. This must be one of the hardest jobs in the country right up there with whoever edits this blog and being an operative of the deep state. 

I also think it’s a healthy thing for everyone to have an adversary in life. For this guy, it’s Waffle House bro. For others, adversaries could be Michael Bay movies or the English language. For me, my adversaries are umbrellas and being neck deep in large bodies of water. Regardless, our adversaries keep us grounded and our egos in check. Therefore, my advice to GF is to let your man just do his thing. Maybe after the wedding you could learn to cook diner style breakfasts as a sort of rehab for your husband. Your boyfriend obviously needs more guy friends and this is simply his release. Frankly it’s probably healthy from a physical standpoint cause he burns off all the calories that he just inhaled anyways. So therefore as a final verdict, good relationship, but I think everyone has their quirks. I’d rather have my significant other have the quirk of getting in fist fights at breakfast-food establishments than something terrible like pushing me into oncoming traffic or being a blazing racist. 

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