Blood Pressure Blog

Donald Trump SUCKS at golf. Even the dumbed down TopGolf-like, “let’s give drunk people and girls wearing high-heels actual weapons to hit balls at a target”, won’t help his golf skills. Despite being a trash golfer, our president continues to waste his time chasing his small balls around a well-manicured lawn just like in other parts of his life. Early into his presidency, Trump won the most meaningless award within the oval office of “Most Golf Outings of any US President”, spawning a website that keeps a running tally of the number of golf outings that President Trump takes (trumpgolfcount.com). 

Jeb Bush 100% simped Donald Trump and killed Pitbull in the process to steal the title Mr. Worldwide. Unfortunately, this has slight truth, as he owns several golf and resort properties in India, Istanbul, Scotland, and Uruguay, just to name a few. We all know Trump as a businessman, and several times on record has stated he would “run the country like [a] business”. The problem is that pretty much everything that Trump says has a 280-character limit, meaning that you practically have to be asleep at the wheel before Trump creates a random phrase with grammar and spelling so bad it makes this blog look like the Paris Agreement. Therefore, with the state of America and my own general corona-fatigue, I got thinking, what would a Trump + business partnership government look like if he quit to pursue golf, and subsidized all government operations to a company?

A few companies initially came to mind. First Chuck E. Cheese seemed like a good candidate. They’ve run a solid business model on a pay-to-play system, give out meaningless awards for recognition, and have a front and center main character named Charles Entertainment Cheese handing out pizza and beer, getting parents so drunk that their child’s favorite ride is the Uber back home. But from that same vein of thought, another company more mature and more established comes to mind. What if the Walt Disney Company ran the government?

There are many similarities between Disney and Trump. Both have a large TV presence, both run resorts, hotels, and golf courses, and both have storied pasts about being extremely racist. Disney’s main asset is Disney World, pretty much equated as the DMV for children. With the current my way or the highway approach that Disney World is taking with respect to park openings and with sports, it seems the company, just like America, is in full send mode. If the NBA and Disney World can stop James Harden from visiting strip clubs and can stop J.R Smith from giving LeBron second-hand dementia, I think the resort is more secure and has a better alignment of priorities than the world’s most secure prisons. Therefore, the governmental model that must be used must also emulate how Disney World runs their property. 

Disney World actually has loads of experience functioning as the Great Value version of a UN nation. The resorts, founded in 1965, were bought by famous anti-Semite and literal Hitler mustache model Walt Disney for a bargain price of 5 million dollars. Disney then proceeded to literally drain the swamp and build a large fucking castle on the land that makes Harold and Kumar go to White Castle look like the shitty swamp-ass you get walking about Disney World in the summer (and ironically, what happens after you eat White Castle). The amusement parks have full autonomy over their land, having a municipal government, controlling their own utilities and producing their own electricity, and having the power to create law enforcement systems, a regional judicial system, and fire department. 

The Walt Disney Company also has power to provide municipal bonds for public works projects. This provides a fantastic opportunity to pull a hilarious practical joke on Mexico, by tricking them into thinking they’re buying tickets for Disney World, when in reality they’re actually buying Disney bonds. This may not be much, but it means we can realize Trump’s pipe dream of building a border wall with Mexico and making them pay for it (stay woke my friends). 

If the government is even going to run somewhat competently, positions of power and offices should be filled, and what better people to fill them than to appoint characters from Disney media. In my mind, a Donald Duck, Pocahontas ticket would be unstoppable. Donald Duck, not only has the same first name as our president, but tends to act with emotions and has a generally positive outlook on life. These honestly seems like pretty good traits for a president who probably keeps everything out in the open and doesn’t let rampant media fearmongering.

The vice president MUST be a woman, and what better person than Pocahontas. Pocahontas, with her Native American Heritage, is the perfect minority for this occasion. In my opinion, the Native American community stock has risen rapidly recently, especially with Native American sports teams on the verge of being canceled. However, several of these sporting organizations have serious scandals surrounding them, case in point, the Washington Redskins with their incompetence and supposed sex competitions between the coaching staff and players. I wouldn’t be surprised if “R-words” owner Dan Snyder overthrew our fake Disney government just to become the US president, somehow break Ghislane Maxwell out of prison, and then proceed to sell the naming rights of the Golden Gate Bridge to Exxon Mobil. Therefore, Pocahontas as VP will be a great boon to the Native American community and will help regain the community to former glory. She’s probably also good at leading people or some stuff. 

2020 doesn’t seem like an election year. With hanging fear of COVID-19, further lockdowns, and unemployment, political campaigning has taken a backseat. However, with no opportunities to speak to the public about policy decisions, maybe we should hand the country over to a corporation that is actually taking steps to bring life closer to normal.

Blog Update 7/20 – The Blog has an Instagram account! Follow @bloodpressureblog on Instagram, or click the icon at the bottom of the page.