The Fourth of July is a religious holiday in America. We drink “holy water” in excess, we sacrifice fire and explosives to the Gods above, and we spend seemingly quality time with family and friends getting plastered while setting jet-skis on fire. However, the Fourth has the tendency to steamroll other holidays flat out. For example, I personally would love to see more attention given to Canada Day (July 1st), as well as National Bikini Day (July 5th). The Fourth of July is an American institution, so much so that even foreigners also know when our Independence Day is. However with the changing of political, economic, and social tides, America and its iconic symbols need to be updated for the times of today. Therefore, I’ve laid out my Top 3 American symbols for what I believe should become newly celebrated.
1. Aunt Jemima
Comfort in America can come in many forms. For some it comes in hanging out with friends, for others, buying fancy new things and never using them. However, the most universal comfort of all is food, and what’s more comfortable than old black women. For example and statistically speaking, if I walk into a Waffle House and a) 100% of the staff is white people or b) the waiting area hasn’t turned into an amateur version of WWE, Waffle house is performing highway robbery on its customers. Aunt Jemima is no different in terms of comfort, serving up maple syrup and breakfast foods since 1889. What makes her so special is her sweet, sugary charm. Think about her as your own grandma, you love her, you want her to be happy, but if you stay with her too long you’re going to contract diabetes and become dangerously good at Mahjong. That’s what’s so appealing about Aunt Jemima, the allure of simpler family times of having breakfast.
Like every good American story, our lovable auntie seems to have a dark secret. Firstly, if Elon Musk REALLY was making human clones, Aunt Jemima would be his Project Alpha; just look at that fake ass artificial smile internally screaming, “I’M HIDING THAT I REALLY HAVE TO TAKE A HUGE SHIT”. Secondly and quite unfortunately, Aunt Jemima died literally like 3 seconds into the Black Lives Matter campaign, probably getting ambushed by bottom of the barrel white food mascots like Little Debbie and the Keebler Elves (pls don’t cancel me… Quaker Oats pulled the plug on her).
2. Fat Kids Hitting Dingers
America is synonymous with obesity. In fact, the phrase “You are what you eat” originated here and today literally took form as a pudgy cafeteria-meatball looking ass sixth-grader. While the concept of dieting might be so extreme that it debuts at the X-games, our tubby tween is America personified. However, we can do even better, putting together obese children and a sport that obese people can play, baseball. Fat kids hitting dingers might be the greatest American thing EVER.
Close your eyes (not really how would you read lol) and imagine this. An absolute unit of a 14-year-old chonker lumbers up to home plate. Staring down the pitcher, he takes his stance, confident cause he literally smokes fat doinks for breakfast. He swings, absolutely launching the ball into far oblivion, as him and his fat face gallop around the bases like a botched equestrian act. This is the peak of American innocence. The only other thing I need is country music in the background with lyrics including but not limited to “tractor, field, girl, or John Deere. Fat kids and baseball are synonymous with America; we literally have a monopoly on the market.
3. Guy Fieri
Guy Fieri, all-time small-dick energy guy and Sons of Anarchy reject has taken America by storm since mid 2000’s with his swagger, his show Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives, and “literally flaming” button-downs. Fieri’s almost cult-like following recently petitioned to changing the name of Columbus, Ohio, his hometown, to FlavorTown, USA. The “guy” is literally the perfect personification of what non-Americans think of Americans, brash, loud, and frosted-tips. In fact, screw Donald Trump going to international relations conferences, I want to see Guy Fieri force-feed Vladimir Putin some ribs in an event that would simultaneously heal international relations and rip a hole in meme lore.
Guy Fieri is what is born when Nicholas Cage’s Ghost Rider goes to private school and works a 9 to 5. But unlike Nick Cage’s disservice to humanity for creating movies with the intellectual quality of quick-dry concrete, Fieri has done great service and continues to accomplish several charitable projects. He’s completed philanthropic work for underprivileged public school children, worked with the Special Olympics, etc. These are all awesome achievements, but my personal favorite is his inclination to not force his viewers to pronounce his name in the perfect Italian way, unlike counterpart celebrity chef Giada De Laurentiis, who always makes me feel like my mouth just went to a children’s jungle gym just trying to pronounce her name.
Honorable Mentions
There are several honorable mentions that could become nationalist symbols of America. Firstly America easily beats the competition in incompetency on social media, and what better way than to have a National Video. The video would be titled Fighting at the Walmart Parking lot, because what’s more American than Walmart and not maintaining your composure. Secondly, we need to create a National Department Store for America that highlights our capitalist nature, let’s say Bed Bath & Beyond. I actually want to go one further and say that it should be illegal to go to a Bed Bath & Beyond without a coupon.
America and what it stands for needs to be updated. We live in frankly archaic times with aged principles from the 1900s. These “100% PC symbols” need to be implemented to further our position on the global stage. Those who stand for nothing, fall for anything.
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