Throughout my 20+ years on this planet, I’ve seen that there are generally three types of people, those that are overly cautious, those that take calculated risks, and those that live their lives with absolute reckless abandon. Fortunately, and maybe even unfortunately, the Coronavirus pandemic has brought out the true colors of several groups of individuals. On one side, you have those that perform humanitarian and charitable deeds for health workers, while on the other, those that go on drug-fueled rants about the “second-most-powerful-non-elected-individual-in-the-world”, Dr. Anthony Fauci (Roger Goodell number 1 on that list). Those generally in the spotlight are no different, literally having to choose everyday whether to express their mostly incorrect thoughts or to risk getting canceled by bots and hoards of K-pop weebs on the internet. The subject and my personal tennis GOAT Novak Djokovic (JOKE-a-VICH) is no different, sliding from national hero to Borat extra within the span of max one week.
World number 1 men’s tennis player and self-proclaimed European frat star Djokovic had an absolute meteoric rise to world recognition. In his early days on the men’s tennis circuit, Novak had a penchant for making fun of other fellow tennis professionals in extremely provocative and flagrant ways, from Maria Sharapova fixing her hair, to Rafael Nadal scratching his ass-crack. In the early stages of his career, he was criticized for not taking his tennis seriously, a take that several believed, and eventually literally aged like milk. In 2008, Djokovic won his first Major tennis tournament, the Australian Open.
You know that phrase that elementary school teachers had on posters in classrooms, “reach for the moon and you might just reach the stars”, well first, that teacher didn’t know shit about astronomy, and second this actually describes Novak’s career. To this date, Djokovic has won all four Major tournaments, and has won 17 total major tournaments from 2008 to 2020, marking him third all-time, behind everyone’s GOAT and probably the holder of the “greatest hand and wrist modeling career”, Roger Federer. The tennis accolades aside, Djokovic is an absolute juggernaut during play, sometimes even making grown-ass men quit on the tennis court as if they’re getting throat-kicked in foursquare on the playground.
However, when stonks go up, stonks usually go down and slap you in the face, and nothing different happened here. Djokovic is an all-time pseudoscience guy, taking extremely cavalier approaches to processing scientific knowledge and promoting false information on his own and his wife’s social media account. In April 2020, the slow train wreck begins as he comes out of the closet as the world’s most high-profile anti-vaxxer, stating on the record that “I wouldn’t want to be forced by someone to take a vaccine to be able to travel”, citing that somehow taking vaccines would cause him to fail sanctioned drug tests and not be able to compete.
The clown-show for rising star village idiot No-Vaxx Djokovic continues with his own, privately sanctioned Adria Tour, a series of events held in Croatia and Serbia as philanthropic work for his own charity … in the middle of a global pandemic. The first event on the tour is a charity basketball game, in which fellow Serbian and NBA star Nikola Jokic participate. Our resident clout chaser uses this opportunity to challenge LeBron James to 1-on-1 over Twitter in this extremely cringe video, and simultaneously dropping closeted hints to do voiceover for the European hacked version of mega-blockbuster Space Jam 2 starring Sacha Baron-Cohen and Vladimir Putin
The Adria Tour continues to Serbia, and pretty much evolves into the hellscape that Dr. Fauci has nightmares about. Over 2000 spectators show up, in addition to world number 20 Grigor Dimitrov showing feverish symptoms and literally coughing during his match. The logical thing to do now is to stop all activities and get testing, WRONG. Players pop the champagne and celebrate at a nightclub that brought out this footage that looks like it was shot on an electric toothbrush, of a shirtless alcohol/Rona-Rage fueled brodeo + his pregnant wife. However in Novak’s defense, the CDC guidelines don’t mention wearing a shirt.
Currently 5 players have caught COVID-19 from this event, including No-Vaxx, who naturally refused to get tested. NBA player Nikola Jokic also caught the virus, which frankly, what better way to make headlines in your country that having your two most high profile celebrities catch a deadly disease.
Fortunately, the world put Djokovic in “time-out” for 14-days, but unfortunately still couldn’t keep his hands from spreading misinformation. He took to Instagram live, bringing some of the greatest fake-news shamans and hacks to spread his own takes, claiming that “the power of gratitude can turn the most polluted water into healthy water”. Now I’m no water-marine whatever scientist, but I need Novak to at least come up with an 8-part docu-series on how this procedure is completed.
For anyone that read my past blog post, I covered some of the greatest conspiracy theories that have haunted 2020, including the bold take that COVID-19 was spread via 5G. However, I’m slightly insulted that my almost humanitarian level work has done literally zero good, as Jelena Djokovic, the wife, took to the devil’s social media, Instagram, suggesting that she doesn’t trust 5G technology as it spreads the coronavirus.
Junk-science is an art form that must be carefully maintained. The right amount of Facebook moms, ancient alien truthers, and celebrity ignorance must be added to create an excellent recipe in the soup of misinformation. With respect to this, Djokovic has put himself head and shoulders above the rest, giving us laughs in this long Corona-night while unfortunately filling our minds with fear.
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