The midpoint of the 2020 calendar year is finally here, meaning we should take time to reflect on how the year has gone by so far. This year seems to have lasted a goddamn eternity, pretty much going from one calamity to another. And while several family lives have been ruined, and even more will look back on 2020 as a terrible year to start a decade, we must look at a subject that dominates news articles everywhere, conspiracy theories.
World War 3 Against Iran
Our exploration of conspiracy theories beings on January 8th, when Iran launched several ballistic missiles at US forces during an altercation in Iraq. A few days later, our national sunburnt toddler and the only suspect of a golf-related-fraud victim, Donald Trump announced that the US, in typical US fashion, had launched a drone strike on Iran’s top general, Qassem Soleimani. Naturally, international relations between these countries deteriorated rapidly, turning into a middle-school playground “he said, she said” sort of fight. However, social media took these facts, added some early 2010’s Call of Duty shots, and maybe Rick Astley’s face to absolutely obliterate the internet with fear porn saying we’re all going to die in like 3 hours. Luckily, World War 3 and its respective memes pretty much got swept in a best-of-seven series against COVID-19, an absolute juggernaut in the conspiracy theory business and probably the 5th leading cause of Indian people deleting WhatsApp due to a forwarding restriction.
COVID-19
March 13th marks the official first day of quarantine for the global pandemic fueled by the Coronavirus. Like literally anything that is remotely serious in absolutely any way, memers and commenters take to the largest hell-hole on the planet, Twitter.com, to absolutely roast the shit out of COVID-19 and people taking precaution. The tsunami of fear released and even broadcasted by the blame stream media adds more fuel to the fire. First, reports suggesting Coronavirus could make your teeth fall out start circulating. Frankly I’m not a dentist, but I’m sure that 9 out of 10 dentists recommend that if you still use Crest and have the bare minimum of even a quarter of a brain you will not lose teeth.
COVID-19 toes is probably the single most clickbait worthy story during the entire pandemic and probably something found on the 3000th page of several pornographic websites (notice that there was no hyperlink there). Conspiracy theory derivatives have emerged on a sliding spectrum, from simple toe rashes, to entire sets of toes going limp as if erectile dysfunction suddenly migrated and got a foot fetish.
Though the medical hot takes on COVID-19 may be slightly warranted, now we put medicine and tech together while simultaneously proving that the bare minimum to post on Reddit should be at least a master’s degree. The take, COVID-19 is being spread by the roll out of 5G. This story represents the conspiracy theory Holy Grail, putting together a biological disease capable of wiping out an entire age demographic, with scary electromagnetic radiation, confirming that the wealthier among us probably have access to greater technology almost equivalent to pulling words out of a hat.
Murder Hornet
The murder hornet was the next big conspiracy theory that popped up. These hornets, endemic to Asia, are appearing in certain parts of the US specifically on the west coast. However, the concept of good idea, bad implementation shows up especially with the naming of the species, even to the annoyance of entomologists. The only murdering that these murder hornets do is to other bees, and the naming was probably the result of some incredibly left-wing Greenpeace subcommittee for animal on animal violence. Therefore since the murder hornet sounds super scary and because of the lack of sports and frankly good TV on right now, I would gladly go “mano e mano” against a singular murder hornet and live stream it just to prove wrong the army of highly impressionable idiots that believe in this mess.
Conspiracy theories unfortunately seem like they will always be a part of our lives, and the release of more is an addicting sensation. For example, the Mayans predicted the world to end in 2012, and then took out the biggest insurance policy ever by stating the world will also end on June 21st, 2020. For mistakes this great, it should be illegal and written into common law that prohibits making significant consecutive wrong statements about the world ending. Unfortunately, humans are addicted to the “boy cries wolf” phenomena, only to gain a few seconds of spotlight on their incredibly lukewarm takes and lives.
UPDATE:
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