Blood Pressure Blog

Everybody knows a few specific individuals that are easily stereotyped. Whether it’s Karen from down the street wanting to “speak to your manager” or the 14-year old Tik Tok star from across the street trying to “sell his merch” at 3am, these groups are all important to maintain a balance in society. Likewise, everyone knows a slightly mad, very senile, old white person that really makes you wonder, “I wonder if this guy ended up on a mesothelioma commercial?” Knowing my neighborhood, if I wanted to hear a dementia Walmart-Alex Jones screaming at my face, I would literally go next door, stand in the living room for 2 minutes, and then cut my ears off like Vincent Van Gogh. Truly, this species of homo-sapien is so odd, that it deserves to be watched and studied. However, to really understand the effects of these people and their incessant sabre rattling, one needs to take the next logical step, by inviting them into your house. 

No, I’m not actually going to invite anybody into my house, but instead use an untapped resource that has an endless supply of a demographic most likely to get Botox to burn money and simultaneously chase white people clout, Fox News. Since 1996, Fox News has achieved its American duty in providing the world with over sensationalized and highly-biased horrible journalistic takes. Furthermore, Fox News continues to push its central theme by consistently hiring journalists and hosts that either think ketchup is spicy or are former local beauty pageant runner-ups. And even though several of them probably can’t point out Ukraine on a map, or were probably spokespeople for Wonder Bread , they perform an excellent job of increasing the blood pressure of viewers all across America. A combination of lack of relatability and Tucker Carlson being the personification of vanilla ice cream can blow minds at stupidity and spark tension at the state of ignorance of the major news network. However, as the once great Jean-Ralphio Saperstein once said, “when life gives you lemons, you sell some of your grandma’s jewelry and you go clubbing”, a mindset like this is exactly what triggered highly reputable scientific studies into the long-term effects of watching Fox News. 

I’m the sort of person who sees the good in every bad situation. For example, when I was recently fired from a campus volunteering job for mismanagement of public resources, I saw it as an opportunity to continue using those same resources for personal gain, especially since I didn’t have an eagle-eye standing over me 24/7. Likewise, self-isolation during the global pandemic has allowed me to do something that I haven’t done in about 5 years, spending time with my parents. It has also allowed me to do something else, using them as psychoanalytic test subjects for my pseudoscience study.

Here is the premise of the study. My parents and I eat dinner together every night, at which we watch CNN, BBC world news, or some other liberally-perceived news network on TV. For this extended study, I decided to study the mental effects of watching Fox News on my parents instead of generally democratic-controlled news outlets. The study was conducted starting May 1^st, and would end on May 31^st, advantageous because May obviously is the longest month in the year. Two parameters are measured, the duration of time until I’m forced to change the channel, and a general mood score, ranging from 1 being happy, to 10 being showing high irritability.

The following are the results of the study, and these results have been broken down into 3 main zones – 

Lets take a closer look at the identified 3 zones –

“Tomi Lahren could be the name of a Bratz Doll” Zone – This is introduction into the wild world of Fox News. Mood scores were on the low side. Test subjects were not aware of the brain-numbing stupidity that occurs on the news network that they will be subjected to.

“Most likely to name their son Braden, Braxton, or Hunter” Zone – Test subjects initially started to lose interest in Fox News, and therefore the “pedal to the metal” approach is used to force Fox News content down their throats. Mood scores naturally increased, as both subjects naturally displayed a deterioration of coherent thoughts with respect to non-reputable news outlets. Results started to become overwhelming towards the end of this zone.

“Alex Jones got a DUI” Zone – Tensions during the study completely boil over. Test subjects accuse me of “being an idiot for watching Fox News” and get angry to the point “taking the remote away [from me], forever”. Forced to shutdown the study for respecting the sanity of the test subjects. All results returned back to normal after the test ended. If I were to formally conduct this study in a facility with hundreds of test subjects, this would be the phase where they all go rogue, eat my brain, and break out of the lab.

Therefore we can conclude that Fox News is indeed harmful for your health, and that a deterioration of intelligent thought and critical thinking was seen as a result of overexposure to Fox News. In my professional opinion, I believe that Fox News send all viewers waivers before resuming programming to avoid impending lawsuits against 2 out of 3 of the Fox and Friends friends.

*No subjects or humans in general were harmed during this study

**Please do not fact-check any of this