Graduation season is upon us, and as we all don our black robes and graduation caps like some Judge Judy rip-offs, it’s a time for contemplation and thoughtfulness as graduates begin leave the wing of organized education. Unfortunately, graduation ceremonies have been canceled this year, meaning that several parents won’t get the option to sit in crowded arenas for 3 hours while a middle-aged dude butchers names one after the other. From the student’s point of view, cancelation of graduation is the best thing to happen. On one hand, no graduates are going to dance across stage like Roger Goodell doing the Tootsie Slide. No college can hand you a sheet of paper while walking begging you to give your nonexistent money to the alumni association. Students also continue to save money by not having to buy expensive graduation robes that end up stuffed in the darkest corner of your closet anyways. Truly, the cancellation of graduation is a great asset for the students.
The real losers are the large corporations that profit off teary eyed families at graduation. Yes, I’m talking about the bane of every pocketbook in America, Hallmark. Over the years, Hallmark has proceeded to entice us with small knick-knacks and souvenirs for all sorts of celebrations, graduation included. Furthermore, they have gone into the television space that probably gets more viewership from senior citizens in retirement communities than college graduates with at most a 25% developed brain. Therefore, we are all saved from corporate greed as bootlicking corporations are swept in the corner that feed off our sense of sentimentality.
It is my firm belief that all graduating students in America should be provided a cardboard cutout or lifesize figurine of their institute president/principal. Every graduate needs to feel the absolute ecstasy of release from organized education. However with hand shaking practically a federal offense, it is impossible to recreate this feeling. As the human body craves physical contact, the second best way to do this is to send these lifesize figurines to all grads. Think about it this way, this method has the motivation to create jobs and to boost the economy, something not even the greatest politicians and economists have created and therefore have come up with a solution to our unemployment problem, instead of providing everyone with 1200 Trump bucks.
Graduation is one of the most clout-chasing moves in a young adult’s lifetime, and therefore with the advent of social media and work-from-home, it is necessary to have virtual graduation ceremonies. We will all remember when we walked across our living room with 1000+ graduates in a buggy zoom meeting. We will all remember the one guy who leaves his mic on and has a full blown argument with his mom in Kannada about what he wants for dinner. Family and friends are also able join on these virtual ceremonies from anywhere in the world, creating a global appeal. The only outstanding problem that I see with this method is that if some idiot posts the meeting link on reddit, the entire internet, and potentially an army of bored horny 14 year olds might crash graduation, but there’s probably a work around.
Graduation is a life milestone. But from scrolling memes during the ceremony, to practicing tornado drill safety while throwing graduation caps in the air, it’s an event we all remember. However, as we observe social distancing, the outdated sacraments of graduation need to be brought into the present. My point still stands, change graduation, change America.
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