If you know anything about the suburbs you probably know that if you throw a knive at a wall you could hit some entitled asshole or a drugged out hippie with your eyes closed. However with the state of quarantine, it doesn’t seem like either have even heard of what coronavirus is. With everyone sitting in their house you could practically make a Dude Perfect stereotypes video about the types of people you see in quarantine. I happen to fall into the category of “serial walker”, meaning that I take anywhere from 1 to 5 laps of my neighborhood a day like my neighbor going through midlife crisis. Naturally, as I have zero social contact I try to meet others on these excursions. Therefore, not only do I get to meet the 23 Karens trying to sell me knockoff Pandora bracelets that live in my neighborhood, but I’ve also mastered the art of saying hello and waving to people on the sidewalk, the lazy cousin of the two-finger steering wheel wave.
A side effect of this seemingly simple move is people stop me on the street and try to talk to me as if Billy Eichner has suddenly bestowed his power to annoy all people. Therefore I’ve gotten several contacts and have even been asked to be a part of the local HOA like a Trump-esque political outsider. What’s even more odd is that I’ve never known my neighbors very well. Growing up I was never the kid who had friends up and down my street. However, as I started making acquaintances in the suburbs, there are a few dark secrets I’ve found out. For example, I’m starting to suspect that one of my neighbors might be a meth head. I don’t think he has a job, and has several teeth missing like a reject extra from Tiger king, making him an immediate prime candidates for meth use. As a person who has seamlessly integrated himself into his neighborhood within the span of 3.5 days, it would be my moral obligation to notify the HOA. I’m always looking out for my fellow man and woman, but I think I’m going to let this slide.
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