Blood Pressure Blog

Get your flannel and pumpkins out folks… Fall is finally here! In the age of 2020, we live in extremely connected and frankly isolated lives from reality that our brains are too stupid to handle. Culture is dominated by reddit users creating seasonal starter packs, and 16 year-old SoCal teens trampling the internet with their blonde hair and sharp jawlines that could pierce the armor on an apache helicopter gunship. However, certain events throughout the year transcend Russian hackers and voter fraud to bring people together, and that is the holiday season. The holidays are a sacred time for all people – Christians, Jews, Arabs, and Hindus all celebrate various holidays and festivities during the latter part of the year. However, suppose you’re not religious –suppose you’re the sort of person who looks into the eyes of religion, and would rather watch the Patriots slash the Jets on Monday night football instead of celebrating time with family and friends. For those, I have the answer for you, and it an answer steeped in science.

You see, several alternative holidays and seasons exist just beyond the Gregorian, or any religious calendar. Yes, you guessed it, I’m talking about the holy-trinity of Spooky, Cuffing, and Ass-Eating Szns – specifically in that order. For the sake of this article, I will not be covering the latter, but will be covering mostly the second, and the first for context – from the list above. 

The relevancy of these holidays starts around the 1^st of October, or when your nearest coffee shop starts selling seasonal drinks. The name of the game here is aesthetic, and whether you’re a multi-million-dollar company promoting a lifestyle of pumpkin guts and pastel colored hair to southern women, or you’re just a simple dude waiting to buy the PlayStation 5, we can all get ready for the season in the form of aesthetic.

The szns of Spooky and Cuffing are starkly different szns, as different as Kwanzaa and National Pro-Life Cupcake Day. Spooky Szn lasts until October 31^st, in which facepaint, bad decisions, and sluttin’ it up are on the cool throne. Using that for reference, Cuffing Szn does a full 180 degrees. Cuffing Szn, as defined by Urban Dictionary, is “during the colder months, when new relationships start and old relationships turn into engagements. The persons in said relationships are “cuffed”, meaning that they no longer seek non-platonic relationships with others”. The definition literally translates into “the human body craves contact” – meaning that any football guy worth his two cents has pretty much been preaching cuffing szn since the 1960s.

I’d also like to add a slight wrinkle in the definition, considering what occurs after Cuffing Szn (see paragraph 2 if you forgot). Due to the absolute degeneracy that occurs after, we should note that Cuffing Szn should not be meant for permanency. I’d like to preach again that the name of the game is aesthetic, and going around with your Instagram boyfriend/girlfriend, taking pictures in pumpkin patches during the flannel-olympics is just as temporary as real love 🥴. However, the purpose of this article not to put love on the hot seat. After all, it’s called “Cuffing Szn” and not “Life Sentence Szn”.

Though Cuffing Szn may be an important part of several livelihoods, the trials and tribulations that arise from attempting to navigate the rough waters of Cuffing Szn may leave one floundering like an obese turtle on its back dying in the hot sun. However, studying the Hot-Crazy Matrix, a universal guide to make sense of – really all people in any sort of relationship – is an essential tool we can use to maximize success during Cuffing Szn. I’ve included an image of the Hot-Crazy Matrix below.

For the record, the Hot-Crazy Matrix is not my work, but the collective work of several online experts. A very detailed guide to the model can be seen at this YouTube video.

I’m not a math guy, I don’t pretend to be. I don’t need a math lesson from Ariana Grande to explain to me that Hot-Crazy Matrix can be explained without a PhD in advanced calculus. However, I’m about to do the best math that my brain can handle.

The dictating factor on the Hot-Crazy Matrix is the “Hot-Crazy Line”, dictated by the function – Crazy = 0.6(Hot) + 4. Specifically, for Cuffing Szn, satisfying the function Hot > Crazy while Hot > 5 will pay wonderful dividends, and I believe that – not only does this work during Cuffing Szn, but in all aspects of all relationships whether they are man, woman, or animal. 

The Hot-Crazy Matrix is an internet standard used by hundreds of billions on how they lead their lives. However, I believe there needs to be another, more qualitative method to predict success. Success, just like the matrix can be specified based on a number from 0-10, and here we can come up with a model. For the simplicity, we assume that the crazy line extends to zero, but in reality, no guy, and especially girl is reallyunder a 4 crazy. Using absolutely no guesswork at all, we have created the formula for success using the Hot-Crazy Matrix as using Cuffing Szn as – 

And plotting our function to create a visual representation, we can observe the following to visualize highs and lows in the function – 

I’ve been preaching aesthetic throughout this article, and muddled in all the dumb math, I still want to emphasize that this factor is the sort of wildcard with the success of Cuffing Szn. I’m always looking out for my fellow man and woman, but here’s my abridged 2 cents – Cuffing Szn is better when you spend it wrapped up in a blanket, in front of the fire, with another person that you at least 25% care about. Cuffing Szn is better when you get each other cringe-ass Christmas presents like a self-help book or a gag-gift. Together we can change the calendar, change Cuffing Szn, change the world.